Being Replaced...

As soon as Shipton was coherent this morning, he tugged on Mark's hand saying, "Follow me, Daddy."  His little feet hurriedly pattered back into his bedroom followed closely behind by a happy Daddy.  Shipton knew it was morning, and therefore, time to get rolling on playing.

On Monday, Shipton suddenly asked me, "Where is Daddy?"  

"He went to work, remember?"  was my reply.

As the realization sunk in he bright eyes suddenly clouded over and quickly filled with tears.  His eager smile now changed to a grimace.  "That is so sad, Mommy."  It took a good 5 or so minutes to console him.  These days I am being ever more consistently "replaced."  This baby who nearly always in my arms or strapped to me in the wrap grew to a toddler who was nearly always with me or at least in the same room as me.  A huge part of me is relieved to have Shipton spreading his wings and having someone else he is eager to be with.  I am loving that his increased independence frees me for similar independence and additional flexibility.  I love that he adores somebody besides just me.  Just this morning Shipton discovered Daddy went to the shower and it was funny to watch his reaction of utter disgust from the sidelines.  Normally I am the one "in trouble" for having snuck off to do something without his permission.  When Daddy is home, Shipton keeps him on his radar. I have loved watching this gradually unfold.  In recent weeks it seems he has become confident with it because when Daddy is home, it doesn't matter what Mommy is doing any more.  Then there is that other part of me that is honestly a tiny bit jealous.  Jealous that he who was mine for so long is now seeking out somebody besides me. Sigh. So it is as a parent.

I am, once again, reminded of my gratitude for such a good spouse.  That we have grown together and are becoming ever increasingly like minded and united, especially when it comes to the ways we parent and raise our family.  I love that Shipton and my other children have a Daddy who adores each one of them.  He is involved in the details of their lives.  Just this morning he prayed for each child by name and their experiences today.  All four of the kids LOVE him and I think that is to his credit.  He is such a great Daddy (and husband too).

Still Rainy...

Leland painting. (Sennika in the background). I loved the bright colors and all the little smiling faces.

There isn't much to say today about yesterday. It was a seemingly uneventful day. The weather was rainy and cold again, so we did activities inside. Hence the painting and we read several chapters of Harry Potter. Leland also concocted a zip line for Legos. Aside from thread being a bit annoying because he strung it around the house, it was fun to watch him in creativity. :)

Weekend dump...

It warmed my heart to find this chalky message written by Sennika on the back patio.  AMEN!

We had a pretty quiet weekend.  Friday night we watched "Robinhood for movie night."  After the kids went to bed we had a double date with some games and treats with some friends over.  Saturday a storm was headed our way, so Mark was able to get the lawn mowed and some branches from trimming taken to the green waste.  Then it rained from about 11 until bedtime.  With the heavy rain, it wasn't very inviting to go any where and outside activities weren't an option either.  Between my commitment for the temple, we got caught up on Mommy's and Daddy's clubs we had missed because of unusual schedules the past few weeks.  Mark took Gavin with him to the green waste.  Sennika wanted to go look at baby girl clothes with me.  Gavin and I went to the print shop then grabbed some slurpies.  I love the one-on-one time with the kids and they bask in it too.

Sennika helping Dad make personal pizzas for lunch.

Yesterday felt like an off-day for being the Sabbath.  Sundays are normally connecting time for us as a family and a glorious day of rest from my normal cares, worries, and routines.  As I have pondered on what elements of yesterday were toss and which were keep, here are a few things I observed or realized and will gladly choose NOT to relive.  Mark and I discussed that because of morning commitments neither one of us really connected with the kids before church.  We were busy preparing for church and fulfilling commitments that the most interaction they had with us was our encouragement for them to get ready.  I have gotten to know myself well enough that when I schedule myself a million miles an hour, I am more likely to go downhill in my ability to give and parent at my peak.  On any other day of the week, I make sure to snag at least 15 minutes of "quiet time" for the kids so I can sneak in some self care time.  This time after lunch gears me up to be able to face the rest of the afternoon and evening refreshed.  Sunday is the only day I don't do that for myself and by the time church starts at 1:45, the kids and I both are beginning to be a bit droopy. Quiet time refreshes all of us.  

Playing taco with Dad.

Another huge realization I unearthed goes with the observation that most of the time I am more and more consistently the new person.  There are still times that my knee-jerk reaction is to go back to old ways and as I have watched for patterns, it is the areas I still tend towards shame.  The subtle difference I have learned isn't so much about being perfect as it is about not staying in old ways.  When I find myself headed down a familiar path, the difference is that it is no longer comfortable and that I don't have to go very far to experience the discomfort.  It has been miraculous to watch that process become shorter and shorter.  I look forward to the coming day that I will catch it at the very thought and be able to make the conscious decision at that moment without fail.

Shipton swinging

When it comes to parenting, Sacrament meeting on Sundays is one of the few times I am most likely to tend to mom guilt and shame.  DUH, I know, but it was a big deal to put that together last night.  In the past I parented in stern, disconnected, and dictator-like ways simply because someone was watching me.  I wanted them to know that I was taking care of it---that I wanted them to know that I knew that my child's behavior "wasn't appropriate." I don't know about you, but when I have a shame response, I become cloudy in my mind and can find myself interacting in ways or saying things I wouldn't otherwise do or say.  I am grateful for the ways that God has invited me and supported me to cut through the shame.  In removing it from most areas of my life and learning to be aware of myself both in areas that would set me up for shame and in times when I feel myself going into a shame response, just by itself that has helped me become a different person. It can be easy to feel self-conscious during church.  Again, it isn't usually my first response any more, but there have been times I have watched other families with all of their kids sitting in the pew...scrubbed clean and dressed to the hilt, sitting without making a peep or needing any interaction/distraction/entertainment for the entire meeting.  In the past, I have looked back at my own pew wondering what my problem is and why I can't just get it together.  I see the cheerios spilling all over mixed with crayons, toys, and coloring sheets or whatever I have resorted to in order to keep the peace...then up to the little bodies creating the mess...thankful that they are all at least dressed thinking back to what a battle it can be and observing that because we want them to learn to dress themselves they may have more mis- than matched.  These four little ones have yet to make it through an entire Sacrament sitting quietly with their arms folded.  Then as I glance back and forth between "the ideal" and my reality, the conclusion that follows is something along the lines of "...THEREFORE I am failing or not doing enough or good enough."  I have learned that isn't fair to do and the source of these lies rolling around my head isn't from that filled with light.  The funny thing is that I have learned later that sometimes I have even been the "poster perfect family" that others have looked down the pew at.  (It must have been a really, really, really good day).  There is no comparison that will leave me feeling unhallowed.  I am learning to be as kind, generous, and withholding judgement for myself as I am for others.  As I look at the young mom with the above situation that isn't what I see when I look at her.  I see a young family who is made it through the battles to get there---one who is bringing their family even when it is hard.  I admire her patience and soak up the joyful noise.  Their small voices don't bother me.  I love listening to the happy phrases as she plays.  Her crying baby makes me smile.    So why assume that something is wrong with me and we should just stay home so we stop annoying the ward?

Shipton playing

Sometimes I tend to shame because I realize we have parented our kids differently than we were parented.  All of my kids know they have a voice and use it.  If, for example, Shipton is angry, he will stand up and express it (AKA scream).  As odd as that may sound to some people, we are so happy about that.  Mark and I both have focused our efforts to raise children tuned in with their emotions--- to know what they are feeling and to have the confidence in their safety to express them.  We are learning to respond differently than we were parented and we parented in the past...to recognize the call for love in whatever form that may take.  Yesterday that came as Leland hitting me in the face and throwing board books.  Yes, we are trying to now work from the other end and teach them that there are certain times and places it is best to express that anger quietly if at all possible.:)  BUT we will do our best to make it clear that it is safe and acceptable to be angry or whatever they may be experiencing.  Then there is also the potential for shame as something like that does unfold and being out of our normal space with our normal resources to curb or respond to difficult circumstances, it feels like a million eyes are on me, watching how I will respond.  I wish I could say I was 100% patient yesterday.  Getting slapped was getting old quickly.  He was testing boundaries and looking for my reaction and so I was seeking the middle ground of not reacting, but being firm in boundaries.  Ultimately, we ended up in the Mother's room in the rocking chair.  As I held him tight, his little fists relaxed.  As we rocked in silence, I caught someone mentioning Sennika had gotten up to bear her testimony.  It was a tender moment to help dispel the shame that I had allowed to sneak in.  All isn't lost.  It isn't all or nothing.  The good news is that the next moment is a new one...PLUS we will have lots of practice because next week because it is Stake Conference (that means we will get to do it again, but for TWO hours this time). :)  All of these thoughts from jus a few minutes' experience.  The amazing thing is we are learning to look at it and own our stuff to avoid projecting it onto our kids.

Playing soccer

I wonder sometimes if my telling it how it is has deterred potential birth families from reaching out, but I know our birth family will be drawn to our honesty and authenticity.  We have nothing to hide and truly, to those who earn the privilege, we are an open book.  We don't want to live our lives perpetuating "the mask" any more.  We have learned that life is too short to waste our energy on keeping up with appearances or trying to control whether people like us or not. :)

More soccer

The only other thing to mention about yesterday is we have a complete 180 after church.  We came home to a nice crock pot dinner courtesy of Daddy's cooking.  After our much more connecting time around the table, Mark went to a choir practice while the kids and I went for a LONG walk.  It was great to burn off some of the energy that seemed to have been pent up from  Saturday being rainy.  We opted for a spontaneous game of soccer.  I had the unfair disadvantage of being my only team-mate and guarding my goal while also pushing Shipton in the swing.  :)  It cracked me up when my hero arrived.  Mark had come home unnoticed, changed out of his suit, and came running out of the back door in shorts and a t-shirt.  The kids went wild and the look on his face was so hilarious.  After the long walk, plus the excitement of soccer, the kids were all ready for bed.

Smelly-vision

Here is Sennika with her doll, Michelle, and some lilacs from our back yard.

I don't know if it is helpful to you to have meaningful posts side-by-side with meaningless posts.  As I have described before, that is how my days as a mom are: moments of great importance sprinkled in with the seemingly meaningless.  

I wish it was possible to attach smell to a post...that smelly-vision were a reality!:)  It has been a glorious time to be a home-owner with our own yard this year.  I pull into the drive way and the fragrance seeps into the car to welcome me home.  When we moved in the lilac "bushes" were about 12 feet high, and like all of the other plants in our yard, needed a good trimming back.  As we weighed how best to go about the needed cutting back, we opted to whack them short, then shape them as they grew back over the next several years.  We cut half the bushes in the fall and got most of the other half finished while they were still dormant early this spring.  I lopped the branches thin enough and left the thick ones for Mark to get to with his saw.  One lone branch was left towering on a bush awaiting Mark.  It was left long enough that it began to bud and blossom.  I am so happy we let it grow, even though it may have appeared very red-neck to the neighbors.  Lilacs are my favorite flower.  Within about five minutes of bringing this bouquet inside, it's fragrance had filled the house. Although I am very inexperienced in caring for a yard, it brings back fond memories of my growing up with my home on a full acre in the country.  I watch Sennika from the window singing to herself and wandering around the yard taking in the wonders of God's hand-work and the world in full spring bloom.  

Trying a new approach...

Read below for details.  This was my reply to Gavin's question of, "will you buy me Legos?"

Sennika's Achievement Day (group for girls ages 8-12 for our church) leader caught me at the Relief Society activity this week.  She told me how Sennika burst through the door, holding the hand of one of her little friends announcing, "Sis M!  I was inspired!"  She proceeded to tell her what had happened during conference.  We had been listening to a talk about helping to include those around us who may not be joining us in full activity.  She announced that she had a friend she hadn't seen for a while at Achievement Days.  As we discussed it, we decided to call and see if there was something we could do to help her come.  Mark and I forgot about it until we listened to that conference talk and once again about a week later, Sennika brought it up.  I called and spoke with her friend's mom and found it she simply needed a ride.  As I discussed it with Sennika's leader, she had assumed I had been the one who had reached out.  I only reached out because my wonderful daughter was inspired and acted on it.  That is just how Sennika is.  She came as a smart, determined, and thoughtful person.  It has been wonderful to watch how receptive she has been at our attempts to steer those qualities in positive directions.  I love having a daughter and feel connected to her in ways I cannot duplicate with the boys.  I also think because of her maturity, she was the perfect first born child.  Her ability to comprehend and understand seems to have lent more naturally to forgiveness and seeing to the heart of our efforts and words.  I'm not sure if that is making sense.  I guess to be concise, we seem to have connected deeply with her and the approaches to keep that relationship open and thriving are working. Although there is still much ahead to be experienced in her life, we are confident she has a great footing in truth and is comfortable in seeking our counsel and support when needed.  It is humbling to be this amazing girl's Mama!

When it comes to our next child, though, we are still working to find what hits the spot perfectly.  There are several things that are working well with Gavin in our relationship with him, but we are still trying to figure out how best to engage him in difficult conversations.  He rolls his eyes, goes quiet, or will ask, "are we done yet?" when we ask him questions.  Sennika would jump on the chance to give a thoughtful reply.  Gavin isn't volunteering his thoughts as easily.  A friend shared something that worked well for her with one of her boys with a similar personality.  She said they would write letters to each other.  I eagerly shared it with Mark and we both agreed that it really could be what we need to connect more deeply with each other.  Gavin LOVES letters!  We keep a notebook under each family member's pillow where anybody can write a note or draw a picture for each other.  We write him fairly often, but I haven't ever used that opportunity to ask him questions.  So far Gavin and I have written back and forth a few times.  I shared the idea with him and told him I would love it if he wrote at least one question in every note.  I haven't asked anything hard yet, but he is writing me back.  I am finding that using humor also seems to be in my favor in parenting him. When Mark has a minute to slow down this weekend, he will also jump in and see how it goes with a letter to Gavin.

We recognize that none of our children are the same.  Although there are elements that don't change about our parenting style, how we apply them will be different for each child's needs and personality. We will continue to encourage open discussions and feelings to be shared freely and explore how best to reach each one of our children.  I am grateful for a husband who is equally eager to raise our children well and that together we have more wisdom.  As I have written before, I KNOW I am not on this journey alone.  It is too big and beyond my ability.  I KNOW as I continue to plead for help, inspiration, and strength, He will continue to guide me to solutions and give me the eyes to see to discern past what is bubbling on the surface to the heart of the matter. What I am doing from moment to moment is that important to Him.  I am grateful for the opportunity to mother so many bright, energetic, and precious souls!

Temple Date...

Catching a quick selfie at the stop sign. :)  If you look really closely you can see part of the temple wall behind us.

I had a thought last week.  There is an older couple in our ward who recently went to the temple for their endowment and sealing.  I know it was helpful for me when I was new to temple attendance to go with someone else who could walk me through it the first few times.  As we invited them, we found out it would be their first time doing Sealings. As I have shared with other things in this time and season of life, it's a great feeling to be able to pay it forward.  It was a delightful sealing session and we enjoyed walking them through.  I love those tender moments meeting eyes across the altar with my sweetheart.  I am reminded of all the glorious ways God has helped us grow together and the bright future we have as we continue on our eternal journey together.

I am grateful for the timing of doing Sealings last night.  Mark brought up the possibility of taking down the crib earlier this week.  Our profile has sat for almost a year with only one contact (which was a scam).  He is right.  It would be best to take it down and give more space for the timing.  It hurts though.  It reminds me of a similar time between Leland and Shipton.  We kept getting pregnant only to miscarry, but we knew we were to try again.  It just made sense to keep the crib up where we were expecting to have another baby soon.  But soon continued to tick by.  Then seeing that empty crib was a sad reminder each time we walked past it.  Here we are now having lived in the expecting baby any time mindset again for the past year.  It's time to surrender it.  Part of me has been relieved it hasn't happened sooner.  It has given us time to enjoy our other little ones and let them grow more.  That part that hurts and worries can at times  temporarily choke out the hope.  With the recent discussions on the crib, I felt raw going last night.  It was the right place to be.  Hearing the beautiful blessings and promises last night refreshed my hope.  That renewed hope is growing in a different way this time.  I have come to know myself well enough to recognize that when I feel pain, there is more to surrender...that attachment to something.  In my mind, I was attached to it coming together in a certain timeline or in certain ways.  I am giving that over to Him.

Relief Society...

I realized that I somehow skipped a post yesterday, so how about writing two?  This post will just have to be without a picture.  I am a member of the world's largest organization for women: the Relief Society.  I feel like that really started to sink in on a deeper level a few years ago.  I was reminded of that shift from a general to a personal understanding of it last night.  We had our monthly activity together and as I looked around the room as we were laughing together and enjoying each other's company, I realized these women are beginning to become dear sisters to me.  It is within this sisterhood that I have found strength and support.  Not on a general level, but as individuals have ministered to me and my family and vice versa.  It has been a beautiful experience for me to do more than just attend Relief Society on Sunday--- especially at times like right now where I am serving in a calling that takes me away from meeting with these women. It has been my reaching (or at times, being reached), outside of just Sunday meetings that has given me these treasured experiences. This women's organization was also restored as part of Jesus Christ's church and organization.  I take comfort in knowing that God knows that we women need one another.  That isn't new and it's won't change either.  

Exploring Boys...

Here is Leland on the left and Gavin on the right.

I am so happy that we have this wonderful home, with plenty of room for all of the kids, and especially the boys, to be able to roam and explore!  Leland went out to pick bouquets of dandelions yesterday.  I loved his proud little face as I placed bouquets of dandelions, other weeds, and even a branch from a bush into cups and vases of water.  (we are doing our service to the bees this year).  He commented about how cheery it made the dinning room.  I agree that the pops of yellow did the trick.  Gavin was digging in the sand pile.  That is usually his favorite place to play outside.  He has used it for anything from a mine to an island where pirates bury their treasure.  If you haven't caught yet, I will say it again: creative play (and time for it) is important to us. We do all we can to support their creative and imaginative endeavors. 

Weekend dump...

Daddy and Leland at the ward game night.

Friday night we watched "Finding Nemo" for movie night.  Mark tucked the kids in and prepared for our date while I snuck away for a hair cut.  Mark and I had an at-home-date.  He made stir-fry and we talked while we ate.  After such a long week with Shipton coming to our room half the nights this week, we were happy for a more calm and uneventful date.

Saturday we took the morning slow.  We didn't seem to accomplish anything more than being together and enjoying the kids.  I played the organ, then Mark went to the temple.  We will be doing sealing together Wednesday, so that will count for my worship.  While Mark was gone, then kids and I prepared for the Sabbath.

We had the ward/neighborhood family game night after dinner Saturday.  It was a very interactive night complete with lots of sugar.  The kids were drenched in sweat from running around so much.  Everyone seemed to have a good time.  We left early because it was past bed time.  We had gotten Leland tucked into bed and finally were getting the other three to wind down when the door bell rang.  When the doorbells rings at our house, it is like an alarm going off or something.  ALL of the kids run to the door at once announcing they will get it.  Mommy got there first this time.  It was one of the men in charge of the event.  "Shipton won," he said as he placed a jar of 138 suckers in my hands.  There had been a "guess how many" jar and Shipton (AKA Mom) had guessed the closest.  

Yesterday we were part of a double quartet to sing "This is the Christ," during Sacrament meeting.  It is a beautiful song and arrangement, and it brought joy to my heart to sing with others who are musically inclined and with firm testimonies of Christ.  I felt a bit awkward because it was such an ordeal to get us both covered to participate.  We had 3 different people helping with kids.  I am grateful for so many willing hands and friends who support us! We had a wonderful Sacrament meeting.  One of the speakers said something that really struck me.  It was something along the lines of "the difference between just reading or hearing something and stirring testimony is the Spirit."  That was a wonderful reminder to do all I can to invite and keep His constant companionship, for it will bless all I have part of.  Shipton has a runny nose (hence up so much at nights), so he went to meetings with Daddy.  The nursery was quiet without him.  I didn't realize until yesterday that he is the most chatty child there.  We talked about being grateful and it was my turn to help the kids sing.  Mark had a Stake Priesthood meeting last night.  He said there were reminders from the training with Elder Ballad back in January.

Sennika trying to get a clothes pin into the bottle at game night.

Daddy also caught Gavin reading.

Shipton playing in his room.

Shipton puts blankets on his head then claims to be a lamb.  We have no idea why, but it sure made for a cute picture. :)

Mommy and Shipton.

Budding artist.  Shipton was drawing worms.

If he keeps eating the suckers four at a time and sharing them with the other kids we should be through them some time this week.  UGH!

Leland found his camping chair and has been packing it around all weekend.

This was suppose to be bed time.  These two have so much fun together.  

Shipton is really getting the hang of his train table.  At first it was a bit frustrating to keep the trains and trailers hooked together and upright.  He will play for about an hour at a time.

We broke out the sidewalk chalk for the first time this year.  Here is Leland drawing away on the back patio.

Growing Book Worms...

Here is Gavin glued to his book.  We went to the book fair yesterday and there were a few Lego ninjago chapter books.  This is the first time I can recall him reading happily like that.  Although he reads extremely well for his age, when I call him to read with me it's followed by eye rolling and grumbling.  He does like to read through easier books and even skim read some too.  Yesterday is the first time he sat down with a book near to his level and devoured it.  He read 3 of them yesterday.  As his teacher, I am doing the happy dance!  

I thought back to a similar experience a few years ago with Sennika.  We owned many children books and, as I have mentioned before, we read to our kids every day.  Around age 7 she was shifting to being hungry for more difficult reads.  Her first bookworm experience came with a darling series called "Besty Taci."  From then on, she has read just about every chapter book we have put in front of her.  She also loves going to the library to search for new reads too.

This is such a fun milestone to watch.  We hope each of our children will continue in developing an appetite for good books. 

Just a normal moment...

Starting on the left and going clockwise: Leland, Sennika, Gavin, and the back of Shipton's head on the right.

 We had just gotten back from a walk and we were sitting around the table drinking lemonade and having apple slices with peanut butter.  With four very busy personalities, it's rare to be able to catch all of them at once for a picture.  Although I do have some exceptionally special moments, most of my time as a mom is in simple every day moments like pictured here.  There wasn't anything particularly special, but still worth snapping a picture of.  

We only have a little bit of history to finish, and the rest of our curriculum for our school year is already finished.  It's been fun to be on summer vacation and to watch them fill what is usually school time with uninterrupted play and imagination.  The first few days it has been caring for snails they discovered in the yard.  The kids shared with me how the work in caring for them is divided: Sennika is in charge of cleaning out the "aquarium" every day, Leland is in charge of feeding them, and Gavin is in charge of their education.  For science he taught them how to catch a roll-polly.  For PE he taught them to "stick-rope walk" (tight rope across a stick).  For math they are learning multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction. I can't remember all of the subjects, but he ensures they are well educated. :)  Oh these kids just crack me up!  It has been rainy here the past few days, so the snails have to stay outside alone.  The kids are sure to check on them every 30 min or so.  We have been reading Harry Potter recently. We are much farther than we otherwise would have been thanks to the weather keeping us indoors.  All four kids love to be read to and it's a perfect activity for rainy days.

"Ye Cannot Behold with your Natural Eyes..."

Written Oct 13, 2013

Bubble of Peace up for my Hypnobabies Mama's! 

We were completely caught off guard when our pregnancy became an "extra attention" pregnancy this week.  Our Doctor was equally caught off guard.  We truly thought we had it all ironed out.

I won't be sharing details other than we haven't been given much hope.  If our little guy comes in the next 8 weeks, there is nothing we can do to help him.  Once we make it past that point, we are running similar odds as we did with our last miracle baby, but more so this time around since this happened even earlier.  We are not sure when he will come or how he will arrive.

On the lighter side, I came home with a strip of beautiful pictures from the Dr. office to share with my little ones.  As I showed the kids, our middle guy wanted to know what the letters B-O-Y spelled.  I asked our daughter to read it.  
Cockily she said, "body." 
"Nope, try again."
"It says BODY."
"No...it says boy."

She immediately cupped her face in her hands and proceeded to sob for a good 20 minutes or so.  Between sobs, she wailed things like, "I just can't do another brother!"  We did our best to be sensitive to the shock...she was planning on a sister.   By the end of the night, she came to me and said, "he can sleep in my room.  I will even let you put his dresser in there too."  A thought came that maybe we should let her lead out on the name picking.  Mark and I discussed it and agreed that might be a helpful thing.  If she can't have a sister, why not name her brother...isn't that a close 2nd place? :)  

We have chosen Shipton as his name.  The middle name is yet to be picked by Daddy, but it will be Hungarian like the others.

As it neared close to 24 hours from when it happened, I felt such peace and comfort.  Interestingly, I found that I was also feeling joy.   I wrote in my journal that night: 
"Not joy that I am and will be passing through such a challenge and the possibilities of how it may end, but joy that He has entrusted me with a stretching and growing opportunity.  As I realized that I have done all I can to prevent this from happening, He must have a purpose.  He needs me to pass through these experiences, so with joy I stand tall with my face to the wind, carried by His strength."


As I was continuing to ponder on the events, I realized that joy I had been feeling wasn't actually my own, but that was Shipton's joy.  I had a strong impression that this life experience is more his than mine.  I get to stand witness to it.   He was full of joy because this is part of his journey and he is excited to have been able to start in Heavenly Father's plan for him.


It's too personal to share at this time, but Heavenly Father gave me a small glimpse of the big picture.  It really helped me understand that this wasn't about something I did or didn't do.  I won't find answers from a physical or medical standpoint as to why this happened because it is not physical.  It was for spiritual reasons.  As I shared details with my mom, she reminded me of a fantastic talk that is one of her favorites.


In the October 2004 General Conference, Elder James E. Faust said,

"Now all this suffering might indeed be unfair if everything ended at death, but it doesn’t. Life is not like a one-act play. It has three acts. We had a past act, when we were in the premortal existence; and now we have a present act, which is mortality; and we will have a future act, when we return to God. As Jesus promised, 'In my Father’s house are many mansions.'  We were sent into mortality to be tested and tried. As the Lord explained to Abraham, 'We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.^' 

Our past and present sufferings cannot, as Paul said, 'be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us' in the eternities. 'For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory.^' So tribulation is useful in the sense that it is helpful to get into the celestial kingdom."

I had been looking with my "natural eyes" and my limited mortal perspective and understanding.  Not just about this change of plans, but all of our other losses as well.He has a plan and a purpose and I will likely not know all of the details of His plan for me and our babies in this life.

I stand witness to the reality that he can make miracles.  I know that is possible.  Our miracle Baby beat all odds stacked against him and came into our arms healthy, full term, and actually thriving.

I also stand witness to the equally wonderful miracle of having loss swallowed up in peace & comfort.  I know that is also possible.

We are doing all we can to keep me off my feet and searching for & applying helps from unconventional medicine.  Unfortunately, we have no options from a conventional medicial standpoint.  

We are at peace.  All is as it should be.

 Phrases from these verse kept coming to mind this morning.  When I looked it up, it was a powerful reminder of what I have had confirmed in the past few days.

D&C 58: 2-6  
"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. 

 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

 Behold, verily I say unto you, for this cause I have sent you—that you might be obedient, and that your hearts might be prepared to bear testimony of the things which are to come."

Shipton is actually a twin...

Written Apr 10, 2014

Bubble of Peace for any Hypnobabies Mama's.  This has really answered a lot of questions for me and my family.

I knew during my last pregnancy that I was carrying twins.  When I began this pregnancy, I was just sure there were two again.

At our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we only saw one baby.  I found it very interesting that he was snuggled up into the corner of the uterus.  There is a whole big uterus and he was in the corner?!

 

  

2 weeks later our doctor offered for a quick peek for reassurance where we had lost so many babies during the first trimester.  Our baby had a heart beat, so the ultrasound was pretty quick.  He was still snuggled up along the side.

  

At 13 weeks we had a regular prenatal appointment without ultrasound.  We picked up a strong heartbeat with the doplar.

Two days later I felt a small gush and had a large gush of bright red bleeding in the toilet.  Where I was just into the 13th week of the pregnancy, I assumed I was miscarrying.  I knew I hadn't passed a 13 week sized baby, so I moved into the bath tub anticipating the baby to come.  He didn't and I had no further bleeding.  I wrote a bit HERE.

After an ultrasound the next morning, my heart leaped to see our baby and his heart still beating strongly.  We assumed it was that part of the placenta had pulled away.  I really felt like he wasn't going to be our baby to keep.  I turned my will over and waited patiently to see how things would unfold.  After a few months of too much active bleeding to see clearly how much of the placenta had pulled away, we were able to see things more clearly.   The placenta had formed normally as well as an additional piece called an accessory lobe.  It appeared it was only the accesory lobe that had pulled away.  We were given the happy news that our baby had a fully functioning placenta.

A few months later as I was exploring my options for homebirth (more in a separate post), I sent info to a midwife in our area.  When she heard about the situation with the current pregnancy, she mentioned that it may actually have been the loss of a twin.  I had never heard that and did a bit of researching on it.  It felt true to my heart.  I tucked it away, knowing that the only possible way to get any idea if it was true would be to wait and see the placenta at birth.  Even then I did not expect to see the compelling evidence that we received after Shipton's birth.

We were expecting one large placenta attached to a smaller piece of placenta (the accesory lobe).  There were two equally sized placentas, each just slightly smaller than the normal size for one baby.  The cord ran in the very center of the two.  When the midwife saw it, she said that Shipton was an identical twin.  As we examined the placenta, there was no calcification like we with Gavin and Leland after birth (they had placental abruptions).

I had been discouraged that we had a placental abruption where we had felt so strongly that we had gotten to the bottom of everything.  

Maybe we did get to the bottom of the abruptions.

I was also surprised by the strong feelings of grief, sadness, and loss I experienced for a few months after the bleeding that night.

Subconsciously I knew...
and I was grieving for my baby.

That night when we thought the placenta pulled away is when I think we lost Shipton's twin.  I feel like he was already gone earlier on and I passed him that night.

In discussing it with Mark afterward, I was reminded of something he said in the blessing the day after the bleeding.  He talked about how I may not understand why the bleeding had happened in this life, but He invited me to study it out.  He quoted D&C 4: 7: "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

I had studied it out and knew in my heart the truth.

Saturday I was able to see with my eyes what I already knew.

My Angel Babies...

Written Jan 3, 2014

Photo Source HERE

It feels a bit jumbled to post this now; however, this poem was too much of a treasure to keep to myself.  I feel balanced and at peace.  A few months back my feelings were very raw.  Having the hiccup with Shipton brought grief to the surface that I didn't realize was still there from our losses.  Heavenly Father has been mindful of me as I sorted through feelings and gave me new insight and understanding.  Writing this poem was a good release of the grief. 

I also realized that where I lost my babies so early in pregnancy I didn't have anything tangible.  My husband had a custom necklace made for me.  To me it was such a tender acknowledgement that the little ones I carried were real to someone else too.

It says "Mommy of Angels" and "Swallowed Up in Joy"

For anyone interested, he requested a custom order from etsy.  She was fabulous to work with!