Play Dough

Shipton getting right to work

Did you know that play dough helps prepare kids to write?!  It strengthens the muscles in the hands necessary to master this skill.  Plus play dough opens up a whole world of creative play and exploration.  (If you give a preschooler play dough, your other kids will want some as well). Here is my easy-peasy 5 min salt play dough recipe:

2 C .water
1 C. salt
4 tsp. cream of tartar
2 TBS. oil (can use olive, vegetable, or baby; baby oil will make the play dough last the longest)
2 C. flour
food coloring of choice

Heat water and salt to dissolve as much salt as possible.  Remove from heat and whisk in cream of tartar and oil.  Mix well.  Stir in flour.  Cool slightly and knead out lumps.  Add food coloring while kneading.  Knead to desired consistency and color.  Store tightly covered.

*I double this recipe for enough play dough for my 4 kiddos.

Weekend dump...

It warmed my heart to find this chalky message written by Sennika on the back patio.  AMEN!

We had a pretty quiet weekend.  Friday night we watched "Robinhood for movie night."  After the kids went to bed we had a double date with some games and treats with some friends over.  Saturday a storm was headed our way, so Mark was able to get the lawn mowed and some branches from trimming taken to the green waste.  Then it rained from about 11 until bedtime.  With the heavy rain, it wasn't very inviting to go any where and outside activities weren't an option either.  Between my commitment for the temple, we got caught up on Mommy's and Daddy's clubs we had missed because of unusual schedules the past few weeks.  Mark took Gavin with him to the green waste.  Sennika wanted to go look at baby girl clothes with me.  Gavin and I went to the print shop then grabbed some slurpies.  I love the one-on-one time with the kids and they bask in it too.

Sennika helping Dad make personal pizzas for lunch.

Yesterday felt like an off-day for being the Sabbath.  Sundays are normally connecting time for us as a family and a glorious day of rest from my normal cares, worries, and routines.  As I have pondered on what elements of yesterday were toss and which were keep, here are a few things I observed or realized and will gladly choose NOT to relive.  Mark and I discussed that because of morning commitments neither one of us really connected with the kids before church.  We were busy preparing for church and fulfilling commitments that the most interaction they had with us was our encouragement for them to get ready.  I have gotten to know myself well enough that when I schedule myself a million miles an hour, I am more likely to go downhill in my ability to give and parent at my peak.  On any other day of the week, I make sure to snag at least 15 minutes of "quiet time" for the kids so I can sneak in some self care time.  This time after lunch gears me up to be able to face the rest of the afternoon and evening refreshed.  Sunday is the only day I don't do that for myself and by the time church starts at 1:45, the kids and I both are beginning to be a bit droopy. Quiet time refreshes all of us.  

Playing taco with Dad.

Another huge realization I unearthed goes with the observation that most of the time I am more and more consistently the new person.  There are still times that my knee-jerk reaction is to go back to old ways and as I have watched for patterns, it is the areas I still tend towards shame.  The subtle difference I have learned isn't so much about being perfect as it is about not staying in old ways.  When I find myself headed down a familiar path, the difference is that it is no longer comfortable and that I don't have to go very far to experience the discomfort.  It has been miraculous to watch that process become shorter and shorter.  I look forward to the coming day that I will catch it at the very thought and be able to make the conscious decision at that moment without fail.

Shipton swinging

When it comes to parenting, Sacrament meeting on Sundays is one of the few times I am most likely to tend to mom guilt and shame.  DUH, I know, but it was a big deal to put that together last night.  In the past I parented in stern, disconnected, and dictator-like ways simply because someone was watching me.  I wanted them to know that I was taking care of it---that I wanted them to know that I knew that my child's behavior "wasn't appropriate." I don't know about you, but when I have a shame response, I become cloudy in my mind and can find myself interacting in ways or saying things I wouldn't otherwise do or say.  I am grateful for the ways that God has invited me and supported me to cut through the shame.  In removing it from most areas of my life and learning to be aware of myself both in areas that would set me up for shame and in times when I feel myself going into a shame response, just by itself that has helped me become a different person. It can be easy to feel self-conscious during church.  Again, it isn't usually my first response any more, but there have been times I have watched other families with all of their kids sitting in the pew...scrubbed clean and dressed to the hilt, sitting without making a peep or needing any interaction/distraction/entertainment for the entire meeting.  In the past, I have looked back at my own pew wondering what my problem is and why I can't just get it together.  I see the cheerios spilling all over mixed with crayons, toys, and coloring sheets or whatever I have resorted to in order to keep the peace...then up to the little bodies creating the mess...thankful that they are all at least dressed thinking back to what a battle it can be and observing that because we want them to learn to dress themselves they may have more mis- than matched.  These four little ones have yet to make it through an entire Sacrament sitting quietly with their arms folded.  Then as I glance back and forth between "the ideal" and my reality, the conclusion that follows is something along the lines of "...THEREFORE I am failing or not doing enough or good enough."  I have learned that isn't fair to do and the source of these lies rolling around my head isn't from that filled with light.  The funny thing is that I have learned later that sometimes I have even been the "poster perfect family" that others have looked down the pew at.  (It must have been a really, really, really good day).  There is no comparison that will leave me feeling unhallowed.  I am learning to be as kind, generous, and withholding judgement for myself as I am for others.  As I look at the young mom with the above situation that isn't what I see when I look at her.  I see a young family who is made it through the battles to get there---one who is bringing their family even when it is hard.  I admire her patience and soak up the joyful noise.  Their small voices don't bother me.  I love listening to the happy phrases as she plays.  Her crying baby makes me smile.    So why assume that something is wrong with me and we should just stay home so we stop annoying the ward?

Shipton playing

Sometimes I tend to shame because I realize we have parented our kids differently than we were parented.  All of my kids know they have a voice and use it.  If, for example, Shipton is angry, he will stand up and express it (AKA scream).  As odd as that may sound to some people, we are so happy about that.  Mark and I both have focused our efforts to raise children tuned in with their emotions--- to know what they are feeling and to have the confidence in their safety to express them.  We are learning to respond differently than we were parented and we parented in the past...to recognize the call for love in whatever form that may take.  Yesterday that came as Leland hitting me in the face and throwing board books.  Yes, we are trying to now work from the other end and teach them that there are certain times and places it is best to express that anger quietly if at all possible.:)  BUT we will do our best to make it clear that it is safe and acceptable to be angry or whatever they may be experiencing.  Then there is also the potential for shame as something like that does unfold and being out of our normal space with our normal resources to curb or respond to difficult circumstances, it feels like a million eyes are on me, watching how I will respond.  I wish I could say I was 100% patient yesterday.  Getting slapped was getting old quickly.  He was testing boundaries and looking for my reaction and so I was seeking the middle ground of not reacting, but being firm in boundaries.  Ultimately, we ended up in the Mother's room in the rocking chair.  As I held him tight, his little fists relaxed.  As we rocked in silence, I caught someone mentioning Sennika had gotten up to bear her testimony.  It was a tender moment to help dispel the shame that I had allowed to sneak in.  All isn't lost.  It isn't all or nothing.  The good news is that the next moment is a new one...PLUS we will have lots of practice because next week because it is Stake Conference (that means we will get to do it again, but for TWO hours this time). :)  All of these thoughts from jus a few minutes' experience.  The amazing thing is we are learning to look at it and own our stuff to avoid projecting it onto our kids.

Playing soccer

I wonder sometimes if my telling it how it is has deterred potential birth families from reaching out, but I know our birth family will be drawn to our honesty and authenticity.  We have nothing to hide and truly, to those who earn the privilege, we are an open book.  We don't want to live our lives perpetuating "the mask" any more.  We have learned that life is too short to waste our energy on keeping up with appearances or trying to control whether people like us or not. :)

More soccer

The only other thing to mention about yesterday is we have a complete 180 after church.  We came home to a nice crock pot dinner courtesy of Daddy's cooking.  After our much more connecting time around the table, Mark went to a choir practice while the kids and I went for a LONG walk.  It was great to burn off some of the energy that seemed to have been pent up from  Saturday being rainy.  We opted for a spontaneous game of soccer.  I had the unfair disadvantage of being my only team-mate and guarding my goal while also pushing Shipton in the swing.  :)  It cracked me up when my hero arrived.  Mark had come home unnoticed, changed out of his suit, and came running out of the back door in shorts and a t-shirt.  The kids went wild and the look on his face was so hilarious.  After the long walk, plus the excitement of soccer, the kids were all ready for bed.

Trying a new approach...

Read below for details.  This was my reply to Gavin's question of, "will you buy me Legos?"

Sennika's Achievement Day (group for girls ages 8-12 for our church) leader caught me at the Relief Society activity this week.  She told me how Sennika burst through the door, holding the hand of one of her little friends announcing, "Sis M!  I was inspired!"  She proceeded to tell her what had happened during conference.  We had been listening to a talk about helping to include those around us who may not be joining us in full activity.  She announced that she had a friend she hadn't seen for a while at Achievement Days.  As we discussed it, we decided to call and see if there was something we could do to help her come.  Mark and I forgot about it until we listened to that conference talk and once again about a week later, Sennika brought it up.  I called and spoke with her friend's mom and found it she simply needed a ride.  As I discussed it with Sennika's leader, she had assumed I had been the one who had reached out.  I only reached out because my wonderful daughter was inspired and acted on it.  That is just how Sennika is.  She came as a smart, determined, and thoughtful person.  It has been wonderful to watch how receptive she has been at our attempts to steer those qualities in positive directions.  I love having a daughter and feel connected to her in ways I cannot duplicate with the boys.  I also think because of her maturity, she was the perfect first born child.  Her ability to comprehend and understand seems to have lent more naturally to forgiveness and seeing to the heart of our efforts and words.  I'm not sure if that is making sense.  I guess to be concise, we seem to have connected deeply with her and the approaches to keep that relationship open and thriving are working. Although there is still much ahead to be experienced in her life, we are confident she has a great footing in truth and is comfortable in seeking our counsel and support when needed.  It is humbling to be this amazing girl's Mama!

When it comes to our next child, though, we are still working to find what hits the spot perfectly.  There are several things that are working well with Gavin in our relationship with him, but we are still trying to figure out how best to engage him in difficult conversations.  He rolls his eyes, goes quiet, or will ask, "are we done yet?" when we ask him questions.  Sennika would jump on the chance to give a thoughtful reply.  Gavin isn't volunteering his thoughts as easily.  A friend shared something that worked well for her with one of her boys with a similar personality.  She said they would write letters to each other.  I eagerly shared it with Mark and we both agreed that it really could be what we need to connect more deeply with each other.  Gavin LOVES letters!  We keep a notebook under each family member's pillow where anybody can write a note or draw a picture for each other.  We write him fairly often, but I haven't ever used that opportunity to ask him questions.  So far Gavin and I have written back and forth a few times.  I shared the idea with him and told him I would love it if he wrote at least one question in every note.  I haven't asked anything hard yet, but he is writing me back.  I am finding that using humor also seems to be in my favor in parenting him. When Mark has a minute to slow down this weekend, he will also jump in and see how it goes with a letter to Gavin.

We recognize that none of our children are the same.  Although there are elements that don't change about our parenting style, how we apply them will be different for each child's needs and personality. We will continue to encourage open discussions and feelings to be shared freely and explore how best to reach each one of our children.  I am grateful for a husband who is equally eager to raise our children well and that together we have more wisdom.  As I have written before, I KNOW I am not on this journey alone.  It is too big and beyond my ability.  I KNOW as I continue to plead for help, inspiration, and strength, He will continue to guide me to solutions and give me the eyes to see to discern past what is bubbling on the surface to the heart of the matter. What I am doing from moment to moment is that important to Him.  I am grateful for the opportunity to mother so many bright, energetic, and precious souls!

Exploring Boys...

Here is Leland on the left and Gavin on the right.

I am so happy that we have this wonderful home, with plenty of room for all of the kids, and especially the boys, to be able to roam and explore!  Leland went out to pick bouquets of dandelions yesterday.  I loved his proud little face as I placed bouquets of dandelions, other weeds, and even a branch from a bush into cups and vases of water.  (we are doing our service to the bees this year).  He commented about how cheery it made the dinning room.  I agree that the pops of yellow did the trick.  Gavin was digging in the sand pile.  That is usually his favorite place to play outside.  He has used it for anything from a mine to an island where pirates bury their treasure.  If you haven't caught yet, I will say it again: creative play (and time for it) is important to us. We do all we can to support their creative and imaginative endeavors. 

Growing Book Worms...

Here is Gavin glued to his book.  We went to the book fair yesterday and there were a few Lego ninjago chapter books.  This is the first time I can recall him reading happily like that.  Although he reads extremely well for his age, when I call him to read with me it's followed by eye rolling and grumbling.  He does like to read through easier books and even skim read some too.  Yesterday is the first time he sat down with a book near to his level and devoured it.  He read 3 of them yesterday.  As his teacher, I am doing the happy dance!  

I thought back to a similar experience a few years ago with Sennika.  We owned many children books and, as I have mentioned before, we read to our kids every day.  Around age 7 she was shifting to being hungry for more difficult reads.  Her first bookworm experience came with a darling series called "Besty Taci."  From then on, she has read just about every chapter book we have put in front of her.  She also loves going to the library to search for new reads too.

This is such a fun milestone to watch.  We hope each of our children will continue in developing an appetite for good books. 

Just a normal moment...

Starting on the left and going clockwise: Leland, Sennika, Gavin, and the back of Shipton's head on the right.

 We had just gotten back from a walk and we were sitting around the table drinking lemonade and having apple slices with peanut butter.  With four very busy personalities, it's rare to be able to catch all of them at once for a picture.  Although I do have some exceptionally special moments, most of my time as a mom is in simple every day moments like pictured here.  There wasn't anything particularly special, but still worth snapping a picture of.  

We only have a little bit of history to finish, and the rest of our curriculum for our school year is already finished.  It's been fun to be on summer vacation and to watch them fill what is usually school time with uninterrupted play and imagination.  The first few days it has been caring for snails they discovered in the yard.  The kids shared with me how the work in caring for them is divided: Sennika is in charge of cleaning out the "aquarium" every day, Leland is in charge of feeding them, and Gavin is in charge of their education.  For science he taught them how to catch a roll-polly.  For PE he taught them to "stick-rope walk" (tight rope across a stick).  For math they are learning multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction. I can't remember all of the subjects, but he ensures they are well educated. :)  Oh these kids just crack me up!  It has been rainy here the past few days, so the snails have to stay outside alone.  The kids are sure to check on them every 30 min or so.  We have been reading Harry Potter recently. We are much farther than we otherwise would have been thanks to the weather keeping us indoors.  All four kids love to be read to and it's a perfect activity for rainy days.

Real Life at our House...

Written Mar 8, 2016

I snapped this picture yesterday morning.  It demonstrates perfectly what real life often looks like in our house.  We don't live a picture perfect life, nor do we seek to perpetuate the assumption that we do.  Real life as a family with kids can be messy.  Although I enjoy house work and it is a priority, with so many little hands it can quickly be undone and sometimes washing the dishes or sweeping the floor doesn't get high enough on the "to do" list...or quite frankly, on the list at all.  Sometimes it's more important to do something else instead like have a day of rest focused on family and faith, like this picture shows.  Maybe it is more important to read some books or play tickle games, to just stop and listen with my full attention, to engage in play, to soak up snuggles with my toddler who is quickly gaining independence, or any other CANNOT wait moment.  That may mean ordering pizza or washing dishes another day or having a longer list of "didn't get done today" list than "did get done."  Those things CAN wait, but many moments with these precious children are fleeting and, at times, CANNOT wait.

Parenting Success...

Written mar 15, 2016

At times in the day to day living, it isn't always clear that what we are doing is making a difference...then we have moments like the one we had a few weeks ago where it is perfectly clear that our consistent efforts are giving our children a strong foundation.  Sennika, age 8, was dreading going to the dentist.  She had a difficult dental experience a few years back that we are still slowly recovering from.  Our old dentist had supported us in waiting to fill two cavities, but as we moved here we learned that we can't put it off another six months without risking it going too deep. We discovered she has two more to fill.  

The morning of her first appointment, she was no where to be found.  Later she joyfully emerged from the bathroom where she had been hiding out, but she was hiding out for a completely different reason than I initially suspected.  Mark has been leading us in memorizing a scripture verse together as a family each week.  She had written out one we had learned that she felt applied to her impending doom. :)  As she handed me her hand-written note, my eyes teared up as I read:

"Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not.  Fear not." Then she signed it "Jesus Christ" because she knew that was who said those words TO HER.

Followed by her favorite verse "With God all things are possible."  Also signed by "Jesus Christ." 

It was a moment of humility to watch her handle a difficult situation with faith and courage rather than the fear and uncertainty I anticipated.  It brings me joy to watch her stand tall and to do things differently than I ever would have at her young age...to see her confidence in a loving God who is aware of her and the personal details of her life.  It's moments like this that give me the desire to continue with what may at times seem mundane---day in and day out---to hold firm in raising our children with faith, securely wrapped in their confidence of Him.  I have joy helping them recognize the opportunities to allow Him in, then rejoicing together at His hand.

We are grateful for this spiritual giant in our home...this giant soul, trapped in a small girls' body.  We are grateful for her example to all of us and rejoice that she knows so well the truths that we only discovered in recent years.

Primary Parenting at our Peaks...

Written Mar 25, 2016

I was reminded yesterday of something that we have learned to implement at our house.  There are certain times of the day that each of us function better than others.  In our house, it is different for each member of our family.  We have learned that with our children, we are more likely to have a better conversation of learning when we catch the child at their peak time.

We have also learned to use this concept to our advantage as parents. We tentatively trade off on who is the primary parent based on peak times. Mark is the primary parent at night.  We have discovered that he falls back asleep much easier if woken up.  All of the kids usually sleep well and we may get a rare visitor for a drink of water. In cases such as a sick kiddo, we adapt as needed. Times and seasons of babies are different too. He is the primary parent until he heads out to work. Primary to us means the "leader," the one to correct or discipline, the one to direct needs.  Secondary to us doesn't mean just hang out, rather it's the supportive role and still just as important. Truly he is at his peak in the mornings, plus by him taking the primary role, it gives me time to have uninterrupted self care time to set up my day well.

My peak stretches from after breakfast and chores until around 4:30 or 5 when I start to wilt.  This is usually a "magic" hour as we clean up from the day, cook dinner, and usually deal with bored and/or cranky kids. The timing works out well because Mark usually comes home excited to be with the family.  After dinner i take a quick shower to have a change to recharge and then most nights we tackle bed time together.

There is plenty of give and take with this. There have been plenty of times where the primary parent needs to step away for a minute or  at times of high emotions or throwing up kids where we need two primary parents.  There is always room for adaptation. We are grateful for this rough outline, for all we have learned about ourselves, and a willing spouse to support each other at the times of days or situations where we know ourselves well enough to recognize isn't our peak.  We feel taking advantage of these peak times supports our desires to parent well and consciously.

Little Artists and Authors...

Leland drawing one of our favorite mountains to hike back in Idaho.

Written Mar 29, 2016

Excitedly he handed me the envelope.  "Read it, Mom," Leland said as he stood eagerly for the words to form on my lips.  

"Duh Mof?"  

"Yes," he beamed.  I opened the envelope to find a beautiful painted picture shaped like a butterfly.  That explains the request to borrow my hair dryer (he likes to blow dry his wet painted pictures).  As I pondered on the phonetic spelling, I began laughing out loud.  I see!  "The moth."

I made a mental note to work on the "th" sound with Leland later, but for now gave him a big hug and thanked him for the note.  As he scampered off to draw and write some more, my heart filled with gratitude.  I love this stage of learning to read and write when they are sounding out words and unabashedly writing notes and books and anything they can think of. It is such a delight to get into their little minds and understand what they are thinking about.

About four years ago when Sennika went through this stage she asked me in her tiny voice, "Mom, how do I spell 'I fly through the Universe looking for adventures?'"  She was writing and illustrating a book about her being a super hero and already had the picture drawn and colored for that page.

So I began, "Capital I, space, f, l..."

Although all at different stages right now, all 3 of the big kids keep paper and writing utensils on hand.  Right now Gavin is writing words with bubble letter monster faces and another joy lately has been to make "build your own monster" sheets.  He puts the body part options running along one side and the color options running along the other.  Then based on which you select, he builds your monster in the center of the page.  He is so involved throughout the day, it isn't unusual for him to keep a stack of paper and a pen always on his person to capture the creative ideas that pop into his head. Sennika has been working on "Senderella," her own version of Cinderella, but as the main character herself.  She spends a part of each day writing and drawing and coloring in her book.

Don't even get me going on all the paper dolls they have made.  Sets of Disney characters or princesses or the time they made an orphanage.  Each one drawn, colored, and cut out by Sennika and Gavin.  Hours of creativity then hours of play.

That is the kind of kids we have at our house.  Mark and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Although the social norm at this time may be to shuttle kids around from commitment to commitment or still their wiggly bodies and questioning minds by placing a mobile device in their hands, it doesn't resonate with the ways we seek to parent.  We believe and protect time to play, to create, to just be free without commitments to run and do sandwiched throughout the day. I saw a saying a while back that completely resonates with us, "there is no app to replace your lap."  We believe in reading good books and spend part of each day reading to and with our children.  We believe in playing with them and spend as much of the day as possible engaging in their creative play with them leading the games.  "Play is a child's work" also resonates with our parenting style.  Don't get me wrong.  They all have chores and responsibilities, but it is in play that children review what they have learned, solidify it, and experiment and learn new things. When they aren't doing school work and chores, most of the day is filled with digging in the sand box and building Legos, and drawing and writing or whatever activity they choose to throw their little souls into for the day. 

We will do all within our power to protect this important part of their childhoods and not push them to grow up too fast.  To let them stay little a little longer, yet offering opportunities to learn and grow as ready. With our littlest now more boy than baby, I am reminded once again how fleeting this precious time is.  I won't be getting hand written notes with phonetic spelling for many years more. There are some days I wish I could make time stand still.  I know I can't.  Instead I do my best to soak up the deliciousness of the giggle, the excited look on his face, the proud moment as she rushes in to show me.  These moments of wonder. The opportunities to listen and to be a part of their life.  The pivotal moments to teach, to counsel, to strengthen our relationship.

I cannot say it enough, but I truly love my job.

Cookie Dough...

I took this super cute picture yesterday, but then realized the memory card wasn't in the camera and I can't find the cable to be able to download directly from the camera to the computer.  Sigh.  I guess a picture of a picture is the best I can do today.  Here is Leland on the left and Shipton on the right.  Shipton just learned how to smile for pictures reliably this week.   I love this stage of cute winking picture posed faces.

Written Mar 31, 2016

As usual, as I sit down to write this morning I am not exactly sure how this will turn out.  I do want to share that we love to cook and bake.  We prefer to make it from scratch when reasonably possible.  We also prefer to eat as healthy as possible.  The irony to my efforts to feed my family nutritionally packed food is this little duo pictured above.  I kid you not, most days they ask to make cookies or brownies or something sweet.  It usually averages out to not be every single day, but many days are spent in the kitchen behind the mixer making something yummy together.

I love that little hands help me to scoop and measure out ingredients.  That they are learning how to cook and bake with confidence.  I love the giggles as we are together.  I love the time afterward enjoying our treat together...that it gives me one more opportunity to gather my little ones around me...to just be together and enjoy the spontaneous conversations and teaching moments.

Although a small part of me cringes to serve my family treats that often, I wonder if what they are really asking isn't so much about the treats, but about all of what I just described.  That they love the time in the kitchen with me just as much as I do with them.  I will continue to soak up this stage as well, knowing these little boys likely will not be big boys begging to be in the kitchen with me. :)

We LOVE Books...

Written Apr 1, 2016

We are book worms at our house!  Mark prefers to listen to books on his commute.  The rest of us love our noses in a good book.  Although I have read plenty of books with my kindle app, there is no replacement for the old fashioned ink and printed, page turning experience.  Even Shipton will sit on my lap for hours at a time engaged in being read to.  Leland still prefers to be read to, but is beginning to read simple books himself.  Sennika and Gavin both love to read on their own.  I am reading "The Continuous Atonement," by Brad Wilcox with Sennika and "A Princess Story" (see below) with Gavin as part of their bed time routines.  We just started "King Arthur" together.  Other recent reads are the Chronicles of Narnia series, Ann Keller, and Betsy Taci.  Although there are trends shifting away from reading the classics, we love encouraging good reading in our home.  I am finishing up "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk," and just started "Parenting from the inside out."

I started a book club and last night was our first meeting.  Although there are plenty of fun books to read out there, we will be focusing on gospel truths.  The first book we read was "A Princess Story," written by my dear friend, Jaci Wightman.  She is a fearless woman and a master Scriptorian, yet at the same time so relatable and down to earth.  I met her 7 years ago and when I sat in her Gospel Doctrine class, I was on the edge of my seat.  I had never been taught the gospel in that way before!  For the first time, there were no holes, no "the gospel fits with all the pretty parts of my life, but what about this messy part over here?"  It was exciting and the way she taught set me up with a solid frame work to understand Jesus Christ and the gospel as things were set into motion in my life.  Her book was right up my alley, but I have no idea how it would have been received if I had read it 7 years ago.  It was interesting to hear others' reactions.  She had us go through an inventory section and that can be really hard to do---to look at ourselves through the eyes of truth. The first time I did an inventory it was really painful. Last night as the ladies were talking, I went into nurse mode for a moment with my own thoughts.  When a person has trauma, we could slap a band-aid on it, yet the only way to truly heal is to go in and clean out any debris.  The clean the wound.  Then as it is closed up with stitches, it will heal (as long as it was done properly and the wound was kept sterile).  As painful as it can be to look at my life and the patterns, it is the only way.  In seeing what I have created when I relied on my own understanding and strength, it made it completely clear how desperately and personally I need my Savior. I don't know if you are a book worm like us or not, but this is a great read.  You just have to go cover to cover because it all comes together.  There were a few who said last night they almost quit reading because the inventory chapter was so intense.

We will be reading Brad Wilcox's "The Continuous Atonement" next.  If you haven't ever heard him speak, he is phenomenal!  He gave a devotional at BYU about grace that completely changed my understanding of grace (Google it!  You will not regret the 30 mins it takes to experience it. #1 choice is to watch it because he is such an animated speaker.  #2 listen so you can at least catch his tone of voice and voice changes).  This talk gets your feet wet for what he covers in more detail in his book.  As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, many of us don't realize that grace is actually a doctrine we believe in.  In our LDS culture we often get so caught up in the "faith without works" part or "it is by grace we are saved AFTER ALL WE CAN DO" that we think that means we are suppose to work really hard to cross everything off the list and that it is somehow even possible with our puny might. Yes, faith without works is dead, but I have come to realize that as I put my faith in Him, those works will naturally flow.  As I am filled with His love and His strength, I naturally want to and will have the works that follow.  Yes I do have to work, but it's a different work than I grew up thinking it was.  It is the work of overcoming my prideful heart.  It is the work of turning to Him and having hope that He can fix the messes I have created by working on my own, and letting Him do it.  It is working the steps of repentance, however that may look for my own personal life and situation.  It is coming to realize that He will justify me and I cannot pay that price, no matter what I do.  That isn't what God is asking me to do. He is simply asking me to use this gift as it was intended...to quit trying to save and exalt myself.  Again, I have no idea if reading is your cup of tea, but this is another great book to pick up and well worth your time.

All right, I better get off my soap box.  You caught me in two of my passions: good books packed with truth and what I have discovered about Jesus Christ and the ways He had completely changed me and my life. :)  Mark once joked that I have two settings---"passionate" and "passionate-er."  Haha...I think you just got passionate-et-est. :)

Little Guy...

Most people tell me he looks like Daddy, but I say he has Mama's smile. :)

Busily coloring an egg to dye for Easter.

True to Shipton style, look at those toes poised to run. This busy little guy is constantly in motion running, dancing, and jumping.

Written Mar 30, 2016
Up until about a month ago when we would ask Shipton what his name was he would answer, "Named Thomas."  Now he either says "Shipton" or "Call me Little Guy."  With his second birthday quickly approaching, it's more and more apparent that he is a little guy...more boy than baby now.

Gavin and Shipton have a special relationship.  Gavin loves to be silly and Shipton loves to play silly.  Shipton's budding sense of humor can be directly attributed to these two playing together every day.

With the happy and confident toddler he has grown into, it could be easy to suppose he has always had that disposition. I was recently reminded what a fussy and cautious baby Shipton was. He came with some things to work through having pre-birth trauma. Some details I have shared previously (we miscarried Shipton's twin), and some will stay ours at this point. 

My answer as I prayed how to ease the crying makes more sense now.  Do all we could to respond to his needs as quickly as we could.  It didn't feel right to sleep train him as I had the others.  He continued to wake up every 2-3 hours at night to nurse until he was about 15 months old.  I needed to be willing to allow him to nurse on-demand 24/7 and he did so until about 22 months. He will still ask once or twice a week, but usually is quick to swap for his zippy cup.  We needed to do all we could to prevent or minimize crying.  This has meant lots of baby-wearing, carrying, and allowing him to stay close by or with me.

Would you believe me if I told you the past nearly two years and nine months have been exhausting? I am grateful that I had built up a reserve before going into his pregnancy, that I have learned how to holistically care for myself, and that Mark is so supportive of giving me time to myself.

But when I look at what my willingness has helped to create---this confident and happy toddler---every sleepless night and my tired arms from carrying such a chubby baby have been worth it.

I can see a bit of the grand design of things...that we two were meant to be together.  Each has brought healing to the other.  God knew He could send this precious and delicate baby to this Mama at this time.  That because of all the loss and difficulty, she would be willing to give and to give in ways she wouldn't have been willing to before.  That he would be wanted, welcomed, cherished, and adored.  He also knew that if He sent this baby after pregnancy after pregnancy resulting in empty arms, he would bring her joy for mourning and closure to the losses. Oh the healing we both have enjoyed these two years together!

And now firmly attached, trust having been established, he is gradually leaving my side to venture out and become anchored in other meaningful relationships and to try out the world.  With weaning, he also has lead out in potty training, further sleep training, and sitting at the table without his booster seat. It seems he went from baby to little guy over night.  My job now is to cheer him on, to encourage exploring, to support him as he grows and changes, and to always welcome him back with opened arms when he needs reassurance.

Shipton's gift to our family is gratitude.  I see this in two main ways.  He is a living reminder to us each day of our gratitude to God.  Our gratitude for His goodness in allowing this child to come to our family and the ways He brought him safely into our arms.  The other is so fitting.  Shipton is actually our most grateful family member.  He always is saying thank you.  Some recent examples: he was sticky and as I held him to the sink to wash him he said, "Thank you washing, Mommy."  While in the car headed to the library he sincerely said, "Thank you driving, Mommy" or when he asked to nurse the other day he said cheerfully, "Thank you milk, Mommy."  We are blessed by his examples of gratitude and the living reminder he is to us of the many blessings we can express our constant gratitude for.

How we love you, Shipton!  We are grateful to you for your courage.  We love the giggles, gratitude, and joy you bring to our family.

Legos...

Left to right: Sennika, Gavin, and Leland in the front

Written Apr 7, 2016

This is Gavin and Leland's room they share together.  The kids love to play/build (what would you call it?) with Legos.  It blows my mind as I play with them how easily and purposefully they snap Legos together.  "Lego land," as they refer to Gavin's Lego table, changes from day to day.  It has been anything from space themed to animal themed to a remake of our house.  If you haven't caught yet, we are enthusiastic supporters of creative play.  Their time playing Legos fits this bill.  They are all "master builders."  

I am lucky if my attempts pass the test to be used in Lego land.  Although I am not a master builder, I do have one advantage and it's persuasion.  Gavin is usually more easily swayed than Sennika as I describe the really cool thing I just built and how it may be useful.  Although I really don't like to play with Legos because 1. it isn't "fun" to me nor would I consider it "relaxing" like they do and 2. quite frankly I'm really bad at it, I play any way.  To me it's like playing Barbies or tea party or cars. We feel it's important to play with our children.  To let them decide the games, the rule, the details.  To tell us what to do. To let them be the leader instead of Mom and Dad "always bossing them around." Oh what joyful memories I have been able to soak up in this way...to be in on their little lives.

Real Life Parenting Moment...

Last night while running Sennika's bedtime routine Sennika and I were reading together as usual.  We were talking about how repentance is more like a process than a one time event.  I commented that she was unusually quiet and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about.  She burst into tears as she described what happened this weekend.  We had a friend over to play and this little friend had made the Legos play in sexual ways. She stood up for what she knew wasn't appropriate. There was one other word thrown around that she wasn't familiar with, but knew it didn't feel right.  She was worried that she had somehow done something wrong. She spoke of the shock as it has unfolded quickly and couldn't believe this person she knew so well would say things like that. 

I reassured her that she had done nothing wrong. I told her I feel icky when I stumble across inappropriate things as well. We talked about this new vocabulary word and answered all her questions. I also reassured her she did the right thing to stand up in the ways she had and to tell me.  We discussed how when something happens that we feel yucky about or even if we just aren't sure about, to reach out to us as parents.  In those moments, events can translate into shame and a person if left feeling like they are bad.  If we bury these moments of uneasiness in secrecy, Satan and his side kicks are eager to jump in and plant lies like she just experienced that SHE had done something wrong.  I reminded her that we are here to support her and help her understand. There is nothing she can ask that will embarrass us.  There is nothing she could do that would make us stop loving her.  As her parents, we are here to guide her along the way.  As she leaped into my arms for a hug, I muttered a prayer of gratitude for this moment and the inspiration to vocalize my observation of her unusual quiet manner.

We have always been age-appropraitely open about everything with our children.  We have taught them what things are and how they work.  We answer questions and if we don't happen to know, find them out together.  Naturally, this has at times included the traditionally considered "tough" conversations of sexuality, drugs, vulgarity, etc.  We would rather them hear it from us and understand within a framework of truth than from peers or try to piece things together themselves.  We also feel this parenting style has opened the door that they can approach us with ANYTHING.  As parents, we feel that is the greatest asset they can have growing up: knowing that we are on their side---that we will do everything we can to create and nurture an open relationship where it is safe to talk about anything.  Another key we have learned is to have set-aside time alone with each child so they have opportunities to talk about what is on their mind, no matter the subject.

I discussed what had been shared with Mark.  Mark followed up with Senn and we spoke with the boys together about it.  As much as I didn't innately want to, I felt to reach out to the other mom.  I know I would want to know. She thanked me because she otherwise said she wouldn't have known this was something the child was exposed to.  This child will still be welcome in our home at this point.  We will continue to work with our kids and monitor play dates closely.  Our kids can't grow up in a bubble and will be exposed to the dark and the filthy.  As parents, our advantage is in keeping this open relationship thriving and also teaching them to follow that little voice/Light of Christ/the Spirit...whatever you want to call it, but that feeling that something isn't right or may not be right and then to come to us and discuss it together.

I'm not saying any of this to somehow come off as "having it all figured out."  It was just one moment in millions for Sennika.  Who knows if this was even a pivotal one or not, but the beach is made up of tiny grains of sand as is the ocean of tiny drops of water.  This situation reflects in that one moment the pattern that we are striving for as parents.  There are times we have blown it and have to come back for a redo and attempt to repair.  I guess I felt to share this today because it reflects well what we are striving for...not as much a destination in parenting as a growing process that we can fall back on in moments of great importance.

I can't promise that we will be perfect or do it all right, but Mark and I will do all we can to raise your child in these same ways.  I know for some, the directness and boldness with which we approach parenthood may feel uncomfortable.  For us, we will fight fiercely for these children---to do all we can to help them understand truth...To create safety where they can feel and express any emotion or thought...To parent consciously and say no to the meaningless ways to spend our time and efforts... that we can come from a place of joy and love more easily. Daily life like this with 4 busy children and 2 parents can get messy at times, but oh, what a glorious mess as we all are learning and growing together!

These precious children are truly my most valuable "possessions."  They are the greatest thing I can call mine!  I am filled with gratitude that God has entrusted us with so many bright, enthusiastic, and eager children!  At times the weight of what needs to be done to see them well into adulthood can seem a daunting task. But I do not walk alone.  God is with me as I but turn to Him.  These are His children too! I can testify of the strength to bear the burdens associated with motherhood, of the inspiration to know just the right question to ask or thing to say, of the daily direction from moment to moment in pointing these children to Christ and ultimately back to God's presence.

I am grateful for a spouse who is equally concerned with the daily details. Mark also seeks for and creates opportunities to be involved in their lives.  Mark is fabulous at leading these kinds of discussions as he asks to determine understanding level and needs of the individual child.  It has been incredible to watch us grow to be a better team together.  Our children need both of us and the unique dynamic that one cannot compensate for the other.  

Last night as I prayed, I expressed my gratitude!  This situation could have gone so differently.  I am grateful for my brave and fearless Sennika and that she is learning to follow the Spirit...that this voice is becoming more and more familiar in guiding her.  I am grateful for an opportunity to reinforce that we are here for her and for the opportunity to prove myself worthy of her trust to continue to share things like this.

Our parenting philosophies and style

*****One asset unique to our situation is that we will not be first, second, third, or even fourth-time parents to Baby. :) We can give you an accurate idea of what to expect with the ways we will raise Baby vs. guessing or predicting based on our hopes.  We have 10-years of experience as parents with 4 very different personalities.  Through experience, we have come to parent differently than we did when we first became parents. We are excited for a little one to jump right in to this dynamic rather than our older children who have acted as poor lab rats to get us to this point! :)  Over the years with real-life experiences, we have learned what works and what doesn't...what maintains dignity and what doesn't...what brings about change and long-term results and what doesn't.  We have learned that children are resilient; however, we are excited for Baby reap the benefits of seasoned parents, a smooth family dynamic, and intentional parenting right from the start.*****

{At the Heart of How We Parent}

~We recognize our children's feelings and experiences are valid.  We seek to discipline in a way that is respectful and kind to both parent and child.  We don't believe in physical discipline nor the nose in the corner time out.  We don't believe in shaming or threatening or manipulating. What is discipline really?  We believe it is simply teaching. Why did they do what they did?  What are they thinking? We want more than just different behaviors.  Our goal is for our children to understand AND make different choice in the future...especially during those times when we aren't with them.  We want them to grow up to be adults that know how to work through obstacles and difficulties, disagreements and conflicts...aware of themselves and others.

~We seek to connect first.  Physical connection is offered if possible (a hug, a touch to the arm, an arm around a shoulder).  We do our best to be inviting with our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice.  If the child responds to connect and is ready (and Mom or Dad is ready too), we can talk about what happened and why plus what we can to about the current situation as well as the future.  That doesn't always happen immediately.

~Since connection and waiting until the child is receptive is our goal, sometimes that means that we may need "happy time." During happy time they can do whatever they need to calm down.  This may be a bath.  It may be playing with something else or somewhere else with or without others.  The purpose of happy time is to get out of "flight or fight" thinking.  We call it being stuck in problem brain at our house.  Even as adults, we know we do better when we feel better.  When everyone involved feels better and our solution brain comes back, we come back together to discuss it.  Why were we doing that?  What were we thinking?  Can we connect the misbehavior with the results?  What would be a good idea for next time?  If it's between two children, then help them negotiate towards an agreeable solution for all involved.  The longer we have parented, the more we have learned to ask, ask, ask questions.  We seek to come from a place of love. We recognize our need as parents to take care of our own "stuff" so we can be present to parent consciously rather than reacting.

~We have learned there is no "if child does/says this, then parent should do/say this" to parenting moments.  We have learned to asses the situation and take the details into account before responding. What is the temperament of the child, what is my style as a parent, are they tired or hungry, what is really happening here (why am I seeing what I am seeing?), etc.  Sometimes the situation may call for extra love with a simple redirection. Sometimes it may be the opposite and we really need to push a bit more.  As parents to your child, this is the approach we would continue to take: to do our very best to tailor our parenting to the individual needs of the child at that time.  We cannot promise we will do it perfectly, but oh, we try (and we overall get better every day too). :)

~We include our children in problem solving for family challenges.  When we can offer a choice, we gladly do!  If it doesn't matter, we don't make it a big deal; however, when correction is needed, we seek to do so in private and at a time the child would be receptive.  

~Along these lines, we encourage feeling emotions.  Sometimes it isn't the right time to feel them or process them in the moment, but we acknowledge potential feelings (i.e.---"you seem mad" or "frustrated" or "sad") and ask questions and invite for sharing.  We try to coach them to understand the difference between what they are feeling and how they respond to that emotion (ie---it's okay that you are mad, but it isn't okay to hit your brother.) Sometimes the discussion happens after some happy time or sometimes even at the end of the day (or a day or two afterward).  We don't believe in "sucking it up" or pretending that everything is fine if we are actually angry or hurting.  We believe that it is okay to be angry or sad and seek to teach our children appropriate ways to express all emotions, including "negative" ones.  We teach the connection of tuning inward to why we are feeling emotion.

~We believe in hugs and kisses.  We believe in physical affection.  We believe in getting down on the floor with our little children.

~We say I love you.

~We believe in geting down to their size, especially during teaching moments (AKA discipline).

~For us, experiences are more important than things.  We would prefer to spend our time, energy, and finances on experiences rather than a more expensive home or car payment, more toys, etc.  We seek for these experiences to be meaningful or purposeful.   

~We are fiercely protective of family time and individual time with the kids.  Our lives are more simple, yet, we feel, more meaningful.  We prefer simple and meaningful over complicated and hollow frills or thrills.

See family traditions for more.