HOME...

I've been busy growing things...

Written July 13, 2015

We moved the end of May and after 3 weeks of hotels, we have been in our home for 3 weeks.  It has overall been fabulous!  My heart swells with gratitude as I watch the kids in their swirl of activity in the backyard throwing their souls into some "important" project each day.  It's equally full as I watch kids picking berries or wandering freely in the yard, simply taking in the bugs and plants around them.  The kids have freedom and space to play and imagine like never before and Mark and I both are thrilled that we can finally give them this!

The apricots are ripe!

Moving has brought up a lot of stuff I had no idea was there at all or still there.  I had looked in every nook and cranny of my stable life and surroundings in Idaho.  Being in a new place, there are new triggers to work through.  Moving in general has just brought up stuff too.  Moving can be challenging!  With that all being said, this has been a great opportunity for Mark and I to watch the team work in action that we have spent the past few years building.  We have communicated well overall and have made decisions totally united.  Last week with feeling more settled we realized our marriage has been the most neglected it has been for a really, really, really long time.  It has been good to re-commit and give it and each other more than just "left overs" at the end of the day--- to purposefully find ways to connect amidst the clamor and the yet to be unpacked-ness of this time and season of life.

Shipton harvesting. :)

I thought the wisdom in my focus being at home was short-term.  It was perfect to not be teaching or working with clients through the move.  Now I can see there is more.  Just like I shifted and held the space for Mark to shift, then WE held the space for our marriage to shift, our strong marriage needs to hold the space for our little ones to shift and heal.  I'm not sure how long that will need to be, but for sure the next little bit.  The freer my schedule, the more easily I parent consciously.  A dear friend likened healing to an onion.  You heal and sometimes think that was the bottom, when in all reality, it peeled back a layer.  With the deep healing we have allowed individually and a couple, it has peeled back the layer and The Spirit has suddenly opened our eyes to see clearly the next layer. 

Working with the snails to make an invitation list to Leland's bday party next month.  Oh these creative little souls!

Initially I was thinking it was the kids' to heal, but this weekend I saw a glimpse of Mark and my part in the how.  It's time to apply what we already know.  We are powerless to meet their needs.  We can point them to Christ and surrender them to Him.  What we can do it offer healing from the inside out. As we take that place of peace we have come to know well and beam it and project it outward, our little ones have the opportunity to accept it and resonate with it.

Shipton LOVES the swing, and of course, his Daddy too.  He stands at the back door with shoes in hand and pleads "wee, wee, wee?"  When it's time to go outside and fly.

Mark gave me a blessing a few days ago and he talked about how everything that I need will be called to my remembrance, specifically talking about where my thoughts have been resting with how to help my little ones soar.  There was an inspired talk in Sacrament that the Spirit whispered to me to remember what I have learned over the past few years of teaching Sunday School.  I was never the teacher.  He always was and the more closely I could follow the Spirit, the easier He could shine through with what was needed.  He is calling me to pass through further refinement---to live closer to the Spirit than I ever have before.  To parent carefully, which requires my consciousness and attentiveness.  Unlike a job I get to go home from at the end of the day, I am the main influence for these beautiful children literally all day and all night.  My words, my tone of voice, my interactions matter.  And just like with "teaching," I am not the teacher.  He is.  The more closely I follow the Spirit, the easier it is for Him to shine through me and to fill their voids.

Real Life at our House...

Written Mar 8, 2016

I snapped this picture yesterday morning.  It demonstrates perfectly what real life often looks like in our house.  We don't live a picture perfect life, nor do we seek to perpetuate the assumption that we do.  Real life as a family with kids can be messy.  Although I enjoy house work and it is a priority, with so many little hands it can quickly be undone and sometimes washing the dishes or sweeping the floor doesn't get high enough on the "to do" list...or quite frankly, on the list at all.  Sometimes it's more important to do something else instead like have a day of rest focused on family and faith, like this picture shows.  Maybe it is more important to read some books or play tickle games, to just stop and listen with my full attention, to engage in play, to soak up snuggles with my toddler who is quickly gaining independence, or any other CANNOT wait moment.  That may mean ordering pizza or washing dishes another day or having a longer list of "didn't get done today" list than "did get done."  Those things CAN wait, but many moments with these precious children are fleeting and, at times, CANNOT wait.

Primary Parenting at our Peaks...

Written Mar 25, 2016

I was reminded yesterday of something that we have learned to implement at our house.  There are certain times of the day that each of us function better than others.  In our house, it is different for each member of our family.  We have learned that with our children, we are more likely to have a better conversation of learning when we catch the child at their peak time.

We have also learned to use this concept to our advantage as parents. We tentatively trade off on who is the primary parent based on peak times. Mark is the primary parent at night.  We have discovered that he falls back asleep much easier if woken up.  All of the kids usually sleep well and we may get a rare visitor for a drink of water. In cases such as a sick kiddo, we adapt as needed. Times and seasons of babies are different too. He is the primary parent until he heads out to work. Primary to us means the "leader," the one to correct or discipline, the one to direct needs.  Secondary to us doesn't mean just hang out, rather it's the supportive role and still just as important. Truly he is at his peak in the mornings, plus by him taking the primary role, it gives me time to have uninterrupted self care time to set up my day well.

My peak stretches from after breakfast and chores until around 4:30 or 5 when I start to wilt.  This is usually a "magic" hour as we clean up from the day, cook dinner, and usually deal with bored and/or cranky kids. The timing works out well because Mark usually comes home excited to be with the family.  After dinner i take a quick shower to have a change to recharge and then most nights we tackle bed time together.

There is plenty of give and take with this. There have been plenty of times where the primary parent needs to step away for a minute or  at times of high emotions or throwing up kids where we need two primary parents.  There is always room for adaptation. We are grateful for this rough outline, for all we have learned about ourselves, and a willing spouse to support each other at the times of days or situations where we know ourselves well enough to recognize isn't our peak.  We feel taking advantage of these peak times supports our desires to parent well and consciously.

Real Life Parenting Moment...

Last night while running Sennika's bedtime routine Sennika and I were reading together as usual.  We were talking about how repentance is more like a process than a one time event.  I commented that she was unusually quiet and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about.  She burst into tears as she described what happened this weekend.  We had a friend over to play and this little friend had made the Legos play in sexual ways. She stood up for what she knew wasn't appropriate. There was one other word thrown around that she wasn't familiar with, but knew it didn't feel right.  She was worried that she had somehow done something wrong. She spoke of the shock as it has unfolded quickly and couldn't believe this person she knew so well would say things like that. 

I reassured her that she had done nothing wrong. I told her I feel icky when I stumble across inappropriate things as well. We talked about this new vocabulary word and answered all her questions. I also reassured her she did the right thing to stand up in the ways she had and to tell me.  We discussed how when something happens that we feel yucky about or even if we just aren't sure about, to reach out to us as parents.  In those moments, events can translate into shame and a person if left feeling like they are bad.  If we bury these moments of uneasiness in secrecy, Satan and his side kicks are eager to jump in and plant lies like she just experienced that SHE had done something wrong.  I reminded her that we are here to support her and help her understand. There is nothing she can ask that will embarrass us.  There is nothing she could do that would make us stop loving her.  As her parents, we are here to guide her along the way.  As she leaped into my arms for a hug, I muttered a prayer of gratitude for this moment and the inspiration to vocalize my observation of her unusual quiet manner.

We have always been age-appropraitely open about everything with our children.  We have taught them what things are and how they work.  We answer questions and if we don't happen to know, find them out together.  Naturally, this has at times included the traditionally considered "tough" conversations of sexuality, drugs, vulgarity, etc.  We would rather them hear it from us and understand within a framework of truth than from peers or try to piece things together themselves.  We also feel this parenting style has opened the door that they can approach us with ANYTHING.  As parents, we feel that is the greatest asset they can have growing up: knowing that we are on their side---that we will do everything we can to create and nurture an open relationship where it is safe to talk about anything.  Another key we have learned is to have set-aside time alone with each child so they have opportunities to talk about what is on their mind, no matter the subject.

I discussed what had been shared with Mark.  Mark followed up with Senn and we spoke with the boys together about it.  As much as I didn't innately want to, I felt to reach out to the other mom.  I know I would want to know. She thanked me because she otherwise said she wouldn't have known this was something the child was exposed to.  This child will still be welcome in our home at this point.  We will continue to work with our kids and monitor play dates closely.  Our kids can't grow up in a bubble and will be exposed to the dark and the filthy.  As parents, our advantage is in keeping this open relationship thriving and also teaching them to follow that little voice/Light of Christ/the Spirit...whatever you want to call it, but that feeling that something isn't right or may not be right and then to come to us and discuss it together.

I'm not saying any of this to somehow come off as "having it all figured out."  It was just one moment in millions for Sennika.  Who knows if this was even a pivotal one or not, but the beach is made up of tiny grains of sand as is the ocean of tiny drops of water.  This situation reflects in that one moment the pattern that we are striving for as parents.  There are times we have blown it and have to come back for a redo and attempt to repair.  I guess I felt to share this today because it reflects well what we are striving for...not as much a destination in parenting as a growing process that we can fall back on in moments of great importance.

I can't promise that we will be perfect or do it all right, but Mark and I will do all we can to raise your child in these same ways.  I know for some, the directness and boldness with which we approach parenthood may feel uncomfortable.  For us, we will fight fiercely for these children---to do all we can to help them understand truth...To create safety where they can feel and express any emotion or thought...To parent consciously and say no to the meaningless ways to spend our time and efforts... that we can come from a place of joy and love more easily. Daily life like this with 4 busy children and 2 parents can get messy at times, but oh, what a glorious mess as we all are learning and growing together!

These precious children are truly my most valuable "possessions."  They are the greatest thing I can call mine!  I am filled with gratitude that God has entrusted us with so many bright, enthusiastic, and eager children!  At times the weight of what needs to be done to see them well into adulthood can seem a daunting task. But I do not walk alone.  God is with me as I but turn to Him.  These are His children too! I can testify of the strength to bear the burdens associated with motherhood, of the inspiration to know just the right question to ask or thing to say, of the daily direction from moment to moment in pointing these children to Christ and ultimately back to God's presence.

I am grateful for a spouse who is equally concerned with the daily details. Mark also seeks for and creates opportunities to be involved in their lives.  Mark is fabulous at leading these kinds of discussions as he asks to determine understanding level and needs of the individual child.  It has been incredible to watch us grow to be a better team together.  Our children need both of us and the unique dynamic that one cannot compensate for the other.  

Last night as I prayed, I expressed my gratitude!  This situation could have gone so differently.  I am grateful for my brave and fearless Sennika and that she is learning to follow the Spirit...that this voice is becoming more and more familiar in guiding her.  I am grateful for an opportunity to reinforce that we are here for her and for the opportunity to prove myself worthy of her trust to continue to share things like this.

Our parenting philosophies and style

*****One asset unique to our situation is that we will not be first, second, third, or even fourth-time parents to Baby. :) We can give you an accurate idea of what to expect with the ways we will raise Baby vs. guessing or predicting based on our hopes.  We have 10-years of experience as parents with 4 very different personalities.  Through experience, we have come to parent differently than we did when we first became parents. We are excited for a little one to jump right in to this dynamic rather than our older children who have acted as poor lab rats to get us to this point! :)  Over the years with real-life experiences, we have learned what works and what doesn't...what maintains dignity and what doesn't...what brings about change and long-term results and what doesn't.  We have learned that children are resilient; however, we are excited for Baby reap the benefits of seasoned parents, a smooth family dynamic, and intentional parenting right from the start.*****

{At the Heart of How We Parent}

~We recognize our children's feelings and experiences are valid.  We seek to discipline in a way that is respectful and kind to both parent and child.  We don't believe in physical discipline nor the nose in the corner time out.  We don't believe in shaming or threatening or manipulating. What is discipline really?  We believe it is simply teaching. Why did they do what they did?  What are they thinking? We want more than just different behaviors.  Our goal is for our children to understand AND make different choice in the future...especially during those times when we aren't with them.  We want them to grow up to be adults that know how to work through obstacles and difficulties, disagreements and conflicts...aware of themselves and others.

~We seek to connect first.  Physical connection is offered if possible (a hug, a touch to the arm, an arm around a shoulder).  We do our best to be inviting with our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice.  If the child responds to connect and is ready (and Mom or Dad is ready too), we can talk about what happened and why plus what we can to about the current situation as well as the future.  That doesn't always happen immediately.

~Since connection and waiting until the child is receptive is our goal, sometimes that means that we may need "happy time." During happy time they can do whatever they need to calm down.  This may be a bath.  It may be playing with something else or somewhere else with or without others.  The purpose of happy time is to get out of "flight or fight" thinking.  We call it being stuck in problem brain at our house.  Even as adults, we know we do better when we feel better.  When everyone involved feels better and our solution brain comes back, we come back together to discuss it.  Why were we doing that?  What were we thinking?  Can we connect the misbehavior with the results?  What would be a good idea for next time?  If it's between two children, then help them negotiate towards an agreeable solution for all involved.  The longer we have parented, the more we have learned to ask, ask, ask questions.  We seek to come from a place of love. We recognize our need as parents to take care of our own "stuff" so we can be present to parent consciously rather than reacting.

~We have learned there is no "if child does/says this, then parent should do/say this" to parenting moments.  We have learned to asses the situation and take the details into account before responding. What is the temperament of the child, what is my style as a parent, are they tired or hungry, what is really happening here (why am I seeing what I am seeing?), etc.  Sometimes the situation may call for extra love with a simple redirection. Sometimes it may be the opposite and we really need to push a bit more.  As parents to your child, this is the approach we would continue to take: to do our very best to tailor our parenting to the individual needs of the child at that time.  We cannot promise we will do it perfectly, but oh, we try (and we overall get better every day too). :)

~We include our children in problem solving for family challenges.  When we can offer a choice, we gladly do!  If it doesn't matter, we don't make it a big deal; however, when correction is needed, we seek to do so in private and at a time the child would be receptive.  

~Along these lines, we encourage feeling emotions.  Sometimes it isn't the right time to feel them or process them in the moment, but we acknowledge potential feelings (i.e.---"you seem mad" or "frustrated" or "sad") and ask questions and invite for sharing.  We try to coach them to understand the difference between what they are feeling and how they respond to that emotion (ie---it's okay that you are mad, but it isn't okay to hit your brother.) Sometimes the discussion happens after some happy time or sometimes even at the end of the day (or a day or two afterward).  We don't believe in "sucking it up" or pretending that everything is fine if we are actually angry or hurting.  We believe that it is okay to be angry or sad and seek to teach our children appropriate ways to express all emotions, including "negative" ones.  We teach the connection of tuning inward to why we are feeling emotion.

~We believe in hugs and kisses.  We believe in physical affection.  We believe in getting down on the floor with our little children.

~We say I love you.

~We believe in geting down to their size, especially during teaching moments (AKA discipline).

~For us, experiences are more important than things.  We would prefer to spend our time, energy, and finances on experiences rather than a more expensive home or car payment, more toys, etc.  We seek for these experiences to be meaningful or purposeful.   

~We are fiercely protective of family time and individual time with the kids.  Our lives are more simple, yet, we feel, more meaningful.  We prefer simple and meaningful over complicated and hollow frills or thrills.

See family traditions for more.

Homeschool

It had never crossed my mind until a few weeks ago the significance of what I have been doing for my children.  Sennika attended public school for Kindergarten, so I can't take direct credit quite the same way; however, Gavin knows how to read because of me.  Wow!  That was a big thought.
Sennika knows how to divide with remainders because of me and Gavin knows how to borrow while subtracting because of me.  Leland can write his name and count because of me. As their teacher, it is humbling to think about this.  Instead of because of me...maybe in spite of me is a better description. :)  Either way, our children are learning things and three years into homeschool, it is fun to see the direct results of my daily effort.

FAQ: Homeschool

Why do we homeschool?

Sennika attending public school was positive for us.  She has a wonderful teacher at a fabulous school and reported herself as "popular."  She did well in school and was one of the smartest kids in her class.  Many turn to homeschool after a negative experience.  That wasn't the case for our family.  In the past 5 or so years, we have learned to be more open minded.  We had heard extremely positive things about homeschooling and wanted to give it an honest try before we decided whether it would be a good fit for our family or not.  We actually almost homeschooled for Kindergarten, but I felt too overwhelmed about finding curriculum and wasn't sure what I would teach.  After our first year being a great success, here is why we plan for the foreseeable future to continue to homeschool:

1.  We love the benefits of feeding hunger for knowledge.  Because our schedule is flexible, we can tailor activities, field trips, or research to the children's interests, even if they are ahead for what they "should" be studying for their age.  A huge benefit for Gavin falls into this vein.  His birthday would have meant he would have been in preschool for another year, but instead I offered Kindergarten work and he devoured it.  He is technically a year ahead on his grade level for his age.  He is such a bright kid and would have been bored academically.  It has been a blast to dive deeper on subjects that are important to us without restriction.  

The flip side is true too.  Although we haven't experienced actual delays, Homeschool can be a great option for children behind in any subject.  Sennika could keep up, but really struggled with the Saxon math approach in Kindergarten.  It just did not resonate with how she thinks math through and she trudged through it.  I will never forget the day in 1st grade that Singapore math "clicked" for her.  She giggled and clapped her hands to finally have figured out a way to do her math that made sense to her more than just going through the motions of the steps.  Homeschool can give the opportunity to catch up on delays or offer a different approach to learning that may better stick with the child.

2.  Another huge benefit to us is the free time is gives us as a family together and also the children themselves.  There is no homework and our school day is usually plus or minus 3 hours a day.  That is it.  That frees up our evenings and weekends as a family and onceschool and chores are done lends to free time for the kids.  For our family, time to explore, enjoy, and create...time to just be... and is precious to us and we fiercely protect the simplicity by which we live.  We would much rather see our children have a strong core of education with plenty of time to play than jump through the hoops to regurgitate information or to pass test.  Like our life philosophies, we want it to be meaningful and feel that homeschool supports that.  Our children learning how to learn and that is exciting to us.  

3.  A fun benefit is that the little ones learn faster.  All of the children are exposed to the learning material as I am teaching an older child.  Shipton is already recognizing the Alphabet.  Let me clarify before that sounds outrageous...he sees letters and says "A, E."  (That is how he refers to the Alphabet).  That has been amazing to watch my 15-month-old pick up on that without any direct teaching from anybody.  We research, have field trips, and read together, plus the day-to-day school work that the little ones overhear or read over our shoulders all add up to lots of learning happening without doubling our efforts or time.

4.  Other factors to mention include: no common core, controversial topics introduced and discussed in a context of truth, we decide what we are learning, positive school environment, less crowds at parks/museums/or vacation sites, and plenty of sleep to name a few (at this age they are still waking up when they wake up, but we will introduce a set schedule when they are a little older).

The only downside I have encountered over the past three years is to me.  Don't get me wrong, I have many benefits, especially like sleeping in later than I otherwise would and I don't live in the car like some of my friends seem to in order to get everyone everywhere on time.  I love that I get to be a big part of my children's day and that because of that I soak them up more.  I do recognize, however, that my day would be different with two in all day school and Leland attending a preschool.  I have learned to take time for myself each day to care for my own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs.  With that skill in mind, it's such a small con compared to all the pros for our children and family.  

What is a typical day like?

MWF we have our curriculum days.  

Sennika: Language arts, handwriting (cursive this year), journal, Math (singapore)

Gavin: Phonics (Explode the Code), Math (Singapore), reading, handwriting, journal

Leland: Phonics (Explode the Code), Math (Singapore), reading, handwriting, journal

T field trip or research, art projects

TH History, Science, and we hit the library

Sennika: studying astronomy for Science, and Ancient History

Gavin:  My Father's Kingdom for 2nd grade, and the beginning of the world

Leland:  My Father's Kingdom for K, and American History

What do we teach?

I purchase the grade-level kits from LoveToLearn.net and supplement as needed.  When I researched each individual subject, I found great reviews.  After 3 years with this curriculum, we are very happy with it too.  We also read, read, read both to the kids and the kids to us.  The most recent books we have read together are Betsy, Tacy,  The Chronicles of Narnia series, and Hellen Keller.  We usually get through a chapter book every week or two.  Sennika is the biggest bookworm and has recently devoured the Disney Fairies chapter books.  We also offer a big dose of Science.  All of the kids love National Geographics.  They enjoy the kid versions, but actually prefer the adult programs.  We own many programs and watch others online or borrow from the library.  They also like Bill Nye the Science Guy and it's fun to hear Leland use words such as "momentum" in reference to his swinging motion on the swing, etc. :)  The kids also adore museums.  We have yet to find a museum they haven't been absolutely thrilled about.

What about when they get older?  

We will explore our options when they are closer to Jr. High and High school aged; however, a GED and college education is important to us.  There are so many options for homeschool and we are excited to see continued options unfold in the future.  We are confident we can find a good fit for each child.  We are hopeful that our children will even begin college education courses early, but will support their desires and interests.

What is a snapshot of where they are at academically right now?

All three children are at their grade levels or advanced.  Sennika, as mentioned, likes reading the most.  She reads books that I read in Jr. High!  I remember literally reading a chapter book most days.  I would get my homework done at school or on the bus so I could read all night once my chores were done.  This is Sennika.  Reading like she does has given her a wonderful vocabulary and the confidence to use it in context.  Although she reads a lot, she has struggled with spelling.  I didn't realize how ridiculous our language is until coaxing her with spelling.  She was taught to spell phonetically in Kindergarten and as she has gotten older, has struggled when her phonetic spelling makes more sense to both of us.  This year it has been exciting to see her spelling take off.  It seems to be a combination of maturity and also a fabulous Language Arts curriculum.  She passes most of her spelling words off the first spelling test now.  In addition to reading well (and actually quite pleasant to listen to as she reads), she has grown leaps and bounds with math.  It is by far her favorite, but she enjoys tackling challenging problems.  Right now we are about 1/4 in to our school year and she has recently learned to multiply large numbers (not just regurgitating times tables any more) and also division with remainders.  As mentioned, she is learning cursive this year, which she has really enjoyed.  It has given her reason to slow down and write surprisingly more legibly.  She loves making the letters fancy and is starting to form her own handwriting style.  From an education standpoint, the 3 R's are the bread and butter to our children's education.  If they can learn to do that well, the rest comes with exposure and exploration.  Sennika is well on her way!

Gavin has begun to read with inflection this year and that has been fun to watch it unfolding.  In the previous two years of teaching him, reading was really not of interest to him, but he could usually accurately produce the sounds.  Even Shipton was beginning to pick up on the rhythmic monotone of his reading by mimicking the "eh, eh, eh" sounds, so this has been music to our ears!  He still occasionally grumbles and would prefer other endeavors over sitting down to a good book, which is normal for his age and boyish desires.  He is reading at a 2nd grade level and we are overjoyed for him.  He is beginning to see the advantages to being able to spell what Mark and I try to keep secret by spelling across the room to each other and also enjoys being able to read signs and billboards.  As mentioned, he is a whiz at math and has kept up easily with 2nd grade level.  He recently learned how to borrow during subtraction and how to carry in addition.  Most of his math problems he is able to count on his fingers and keep track of it all, then blurts out the answer after a few moments of silent math.  His handwriting is extremely neat.  This has been one difference I haven't been sure if it is his nature or that he learned at home under my watchful eye, but he is careful to keep the letters their proper height and lowercase below the dotted lines, etc.  Gavin also loves Science and figured out how and why things work.  He loves when we research and gets so excited to add more information to his growing knowledge about the world around him.

If we had sent Leland to public school, we would have felt most comfortable with him doing another year of preschool.  He would have made the cut off by a few weeks.  With homeschool it has been a perfect middle ground to introduce Kindergarten curriculum, yet back off or keep moving forward based on his abilities and interests.  He has a preschool workbook that he enjoys.  Many of the activities or things he already knows such as writing letter, patterns, shapes, etc, but he still enjoys the review.  He is in the beginning stages of reading and can read most 3 letter words and other simple words.  It has  been darling to watch his confidence grow and see how he reads with his whole heart.  He can write most lowercase letter, but still has a few of the more difficult one yet to master such as "y" and "e" needs a bit more practice.  He has started to write on lined paper and has fun keeping the letters where they should be.  His favorite things to journal about is his magic mice, because he recently learned how to spell the word "rat."  He learned how to write and count to 100 this year.  I am curious to see if he will continue keep up with the K math as our school year progresses.  Aside from serious academics, he loves to color, cut, and glue, which I feel are just as, if not, more important school skills for his age. :)