The past few weeks...

It has been a long time since I have written.  It's a combination of several things.  We went to Idaho for a few days.  I expected to have time and access on our trip, but didn't.  Then I got out of the routine of daily writing.  Then since I was out of the routine there was so much to say and pictures to gather up from Mark's phone, my iPad, and the camera.  

On top of feeling overwhelmed to carve out time to catch up, our profile expired on adoption.com.  We have been deliberating about what to do from here.  For whatever reason that stirred up quite a bit of emotion for me.  I didn't expect a whole year to go by with no contacts.  As I mentioned previously, we had one "mom" reach out who was actually a scammer.  That is it.  I have wrestled with doubts and discouragements.  It has felt so vulnerable to open up and write and share, but still not be "the top pick."  As I have taken these concerns and frustrations to God, there has been the quiet reassurance that our birth mom will find us and that she will be attracted to us because of who we are.  So, I guess in summary, I've been overwhelmed and discouraged.:)  We still aren't sure about what we will do with adoption.com, but we will keep biniti up and I am happy to be back to writing.  Below is a major photo dump.  A few things that aren't pictured, but worth mentioning will be scattered in between the pictures below (unrelated to the pictures).

The kids were playing "airplane."  They asked for all the kitchen chairs down in the family room and set up all of the different parts for the pilot, movie, snacks, etc.  It shouldn't amaze me as much as it does, but it seems they will never run out of creative ideas.  Gavin is on the left, Leland is behind on the right, and Sennika is on the right.

Speaking of creative, here are Gavin and Sennika.  Gavin is using scraps of left over poster board  to design monsters complete with moving body parts (brads) and Sennika is putting an unusual piece of cardboard Dad brought home from work to good use.

~We had Stake Conference.  It was fabulous!  One of the last posts I wrote was about our struggles with reverence during Sacrament meeting.  Let me update you on our next Sunday experience.  We made the decision a few weeks ago to get Mark to the temple every week and for me to fall back to every other week.  With the weather warming up, we have also made the decision for me to play the organ in the temple every other week instead of every week.  I play for the 1 pm session, so it's right in the middle of our Saturday cutting up our day and making it difficult to do much before or after without having to stop to get ready in time.  With no temple for me, I was able to "guard" my Friday home efforts better and spent Saturday deep cleaning our home and connecting well with our children.  I usually sleep in on Sundays, but I got up early and was completely ready for the day before any of the children were awake.  Mark had an early meeting in connection with conference, but things still went smoothly at home.  Because I was up early, I was able to feed the kids as they woke up, then dress them after they finished.  I was amazed by how much more peaceful our home felt.  Since we had time to burn, we turned to lds.org.  I found this blog post that described my almost exact experience.  I am learning that the Sabbath isn't so much about a list of don't's, as much as it is about a day to rest from the busyness and daily demands...a chance to do it different with a different focus.  And, yes, they did awesome during conference.  With arriving early, they were happy for almost 2 1/2 hours!  Granted, it was in the morning, which I think it a factor, but I also know that my preparation and efforts brought a different spirit into our home which came with us to our meeting.~Between the adult meeting, Mark's priesthood leader meeting, and the general session, we felt so full!  Some reoccurring themes were about Sabbath day, God's miracles, and "putting away our swords" (Our Stake President talked about being humble rather than seeking to defend our pride and responding with anger).  This Stake is beginning to feel more and more like home.<3

On our trip to Idaho, Mark spent one day doing yard work with his parents on one of their rental homes. 

Daddy out mowing the lawn.  If you look closely behind him, you will be able to detect his little shadow, Leland.  All morning long while Mark was out doing yard work, Leland followed closely behind.  He helped him trim trees and mow the grass.  It was pretty cute.

This was from a few months ago, but here is Dad up on the roof.  Le took this picture of Mark while he cleaned out the rain gutters.  

~I also "graduated" from nursery.  The new call came suddenly and I was extended it during nursery the Sunday before conference and told that would be my last day in nursery because of being needed elsewhere.  I need to get some little thank you's out to my little nursery ones!  I am grateful for all I have learned in this almost past year and for these darling children who have loved me without condition.  My heart burst with joy as I turned my time and attention to my new calling and preparing for my first day serving.  I am the new Primary Chorister.  These children have had such a huge turn-over the past 6 months with choristers.  Last fall the chorister suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  It took several months for another to be called and after only a few months in the call she suddenly moved.  They have had a sub for about another month or so.  They need someone who will be constant for them.  I am grateful to do that for them.  Can you imagine how awesome my b-day party will be next year?! :)  I forgot to get set apart on Sunday, but I keep reflecting on my setting apart for nursery and how Brother Merrit said, "God knows you love the gospel and that you love children."  It is so true!  It's amazing to watch how God can take the same set of core abilities and gifts of the Spirit and continue to mix and match them in miraculous ways, expand and add to them, and fill in all the details so I am able to serve Him well.  I reflect on my years of studying music and that because of the time and effort, the technicalities of music will not get in the way for me to serve in this calling.  I consider on my time teaching gospel doctrine and how I feel so at home teaching pure doctrine. 

~As I have been prayerful these past few weeks, I can already see two things He wants me to learn and pass on to these amazing children.  The first is love.  It is a continuation of what He has been teaching me in my home: to "own" my own "stuff," so I can be neutral without bringing my own stuff into situations with others.  That as I give Him my stuff, He can fill me with love and I can respond from a place of love.  As we were singing together Sunday and I looked into their bright and eager faces, I can already feel that love swelling in my heart and growing for these sweet children.  The other thing I will learn and pass on is reverence.  This must start with my own reverence, which for me includes being consistent in having quiet and uninterrupted time each day to connect with God and to tune into myself.  He has shown me clearly that I will pass this on to the children by focusing on teaching them the music rather than focusing on "entertaining" them, as may seem so tempting.  He has helped me come to understand the importance of formal time and coming with a powerful Spirit on Sunday so they can share in that and know how special Sunday is.

At the dinosaur park inside a fossil cave.  Sennika on the right, then heading farther back are Leland, then Shipton, then Gavin.

Shipton playing on the playground at the Dinosaur park.  

Mark introduced Gavin to a board game called Stratego.  He has enjoyed the strategy part of the game.

~Mother's day was a jumble of emotions.  Mark and the kids were darling and went above and beyond with gifts, breakfast and other meals, and thoughtfulness.  The Spirit also directed me in specific ways to reach out to other women who needed encouragement and gratitude on Mother's day.  I am so honored to be the mother of these beautiful children, yet it tugs at my heart with all the unknowns that have been stirred lately.  Are these our all of our children?  Are we really done?  Will adoption really happen?  These question were encapsulated in guilt because 1. we have already been blessed with more children than many of whom we are painfully aware of, so it is "greedy" for us to want more (true, but twisted and tainted with half-truth).  2.  I can't handle the children I already have I am obviously screwing them completely up (lie, but some truths that yes, I am human and yes, I have made mistakes and I am continuing to learn every day). I finally asked for a blessing Sunday night and I am grateful for the reset.  A few things he said worth mentioning: he told me to cast out these lies and allow them no place within me.  (I got on my knees and tearfully did as commanded after the blessing and could see more clearly).  He also said that when my cup is full I am a powerfully instrument for God and blessed me to be aware of myself in those times when I need to stop and care for myself.  Monday morning I was up at 5:30 and just like Sunday had all of my needs taken care of and was filled with a reserve as I greeted my waking children.  I am learning so much each day and I am grateful for a loving God who is orchestrating experiences to help me learn from day to day.  I am still so human and growing each day, He and I both have learned that I won't wander too far any more.

While in Idaho, the kids and I went to my parents' house.  Here is Shipton playing with Grandma.

Here is Shipton playing with Grandpa (and Sennika watching).

Leland making pumpkin pancakes.

Mommy holding sleeping Shipton.

Mom and Shipton at the train museum.

Leland on the left and Shipton on the right.  Shipton was mad that the cookies weren't instantly baked. :)  We were trying out our new oven.  The other one was caught on a clean/broil cycle.  A guess a couple telling things about us reflected int his recent purchase: it took team work.  I was without an oven/stove for about a week before the repair man came, told us the problem, and hit reset on it.  Thankfully it was still under warranty from purchasing the home, so we had two options.  He could either repair it or cut a check for the cost of the repair we could put towards a new one.  We took the second and continued to use it until it happened again.  At that point I was back to crock pot, microwave, and grill cooking for about a week as Mark shopped around.  Because we could pay in cash and asked for a floor model plus found one on sale, we were able to get a pretty sweet deal on it.  It is the only stainless steel appliance in the kitchen at this point, but we will continue to upgrade as we are able/need to.  That's how we roll.  We don't have credit cards.  We are completely debt free with plenty of savings.  I am grateful for a spouse who sees money in similar ways as I do.  We are both willing to make trade-offs or wait or save up and I love that about Mark.

I think because of all the Lego ninjago books he has been reading he has ninjas on his mind more than usual.  Without saying anything he found his Halloween ninja costume and has been wearing it for part of the day most days.  (This is Gavin...I mean master Gavin).

I snapped this picture of Gavin (left), Sennika, and Leland (right) playing "cavemen."  They came in for lunch as asked for "meat."

These two ask for me to read Harry Potter in any spare moment.  

After his enjoyment of the Lego ninja books from the book fair, we invested in a set of about a dozen more chapter books. His upcoming curriculum only has about 3 chapter books to read for the year.  Where Sennika reads on her own every day, I haven't had to plan anything.  It's been wonderful to watch him reading throughout the day now.

Shipton playing mouse trap with Mark.

Shipton has been climbing up to the piano lately unannounced and playing the piano.  He sings along with his own words. One day he was singing about "Jesus suffered."  I was surprised and impressed.

Another Shipton picture.  This is one of his favorite places in the house and hands down his favorite snack or eating spot.

Shipton. <3

The kids planned a soccer game.  Left to right: Gavin, Leland (behind), Shipton (front), Sennika, and Dad on the ground.  They even planned concessions and made stadium seating for Mom to cheer from.

And here is Shipton managing the "mascots" they brought out for the game.

Shipton with some of our growing sprouts for the garden.

With the weather warming up, we have been going for family walks usually 2 or so times a week.  Mark and I have enjoyed the quality time to be with the kids plus we love that they sleep in later the next morning. :)  Seems to wear them out.  The kids seem to like this special time too and look forward to our announcement of "let's go on a walk."  This family walk ended up including Frosties at Wendy's.

Shipton and Mom watching for the trains.

This family walk took us past the temple.

Dad and the kids.

Here are all four kids reading together.  Gavin had taken a favorite book and was reading it, but changing up some of the words.  They huddled like this for a good half hour.  Going clockwise and starting at "12" is Gavin, Shipton, Leland, then Sennika is leaning off the bed.

More train museum

This is a favorite part of the train museum.  They have model trains that drive through these window displays.  The kids love chasing after them and following them until they hit tunnels.